A Passage of Proof

   When I was in middle school, I was involved in a program at church called the Missionettes. There were three different age groups - Daisies, Prims & Stars. When I was in Stars, we were required to read the Bible in it's entirety, a specific amount of chapters each week. I was more worried about completing the task than actually soaking in what I was reading. I read quickly just so I could color in the boxes for each chapter on my worksheet. 
   At that time, I had no idea how powerful the words were. How much meaning they carried. 
   Lately I've been feeling forgotten. Looked over by God. I've felt like my cries and prayers are being put on His back-burner while others are having their desires met. I know, it's selfish and just not true. I've been very sad and angry since we found out the second procedure was a failure. Satan has been really laying into me and making me believe that I'm being forgotten.
   The day after we got the news, a client of mine gave me a book about infertility. It has stories and testimonials from several women who were told they'd never have a baby - one of them being her daughter-in-law. It has scriptures and prayers, and a chapter for each of the 40 weeks of pregnancy. One testimonial stood out among the rest, and I feel like I was absolutely meant to read it. This woman wrote what I've been feeling to the T. She had felt left behind, and that her prayers were insignificant. She's now a proud mommy and the passage she wrote at the end of her story was this:

Sing for joy, O heavens, and exult, O earth;
break forth, O mountains, into singing!
For the LORD has comforted his people
and will have compassion on his afflicted.

But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me;
my Lord has forgotten me."

"Can a woman forget her nursing child,
that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb?
Even these may forget,
yet I will not forget you.
Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are continually before me." (Declares the Lord)
-Isaiah 49:13-16

   Wow. As soon as I read it, I got goosebumps on my arms and tears in my eyes. I thought back to my days in Missionettes. I don't recall reading it at all, not one single verse rang a bell. I was so young, and had no clue that one day this passage would speak to me so strongly. My favorite part is of course God saying that He will NOT forget me. That He has ME engraved on the palms of His hands. 
   For me to receive that book and for there to be a story that almost seems like I had written it myself, goes to prove that I'm not being forgotten. My prayers aren't falling on deaf ears. I wish with all of my might that I could know what's going to happen in the future, but I'll just have to wait. I'm becoming a seasoned pro in the waiting department anyway!
   Please continue to pray for us. Brent has (not surprisingly) done much better about it than I have. He's staying positive and I've yet to see him get angry about it. Pray that I can keep Satan at bay and not let him have control of my thoughts and emotions. Brent said he doesn't care if we have a 0% chance according to the doctors, he will keep believing that we'll conceive. I love that he still has faith like a child at the age of 27. I'm so thankful for him. 
   If any of you reading this are struggling with infertility, I hope that the passage above is an encouragement to you. It definitely hit the spot for me.  


~Kirsten


        "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."
                                                          Hebrews 11:1
   

Strike Two

   It's been a while since I've posted (10 days being a while!). I'm trying not to overload my Facebook with the trials and disappointments of my fertility treatment process. I feel like I should cue the Debbie Downer theme every time - wah wah waaaaah. If you haven't seen the SNL skit, do yourself a favor and look it up.

   In my last post, I wrote about how the second round of IUI came about. It was different than the first time, and I left the procedure feeling very discouraged. In case you haven't seen my Facebook, we found out today that the second round was unsuccessful. Like the first time, I could hear it in my nurses voice the instant I answered the phone. I feel so bad for her, having to call people to tell them that once again, their dream of being pregnant won't be coming true this time around. Her voice was sad and I can't imagine having to give people that news. 

   I feel like a failed science experiment. I've been picked and prodded at, I've had two different men checking out my lady business, and I've discussed things with nurses that I never thought I'd have to. Three days a month, I sit on a cold exam bed wrapped in a sheet. My reproductive system is an open book. Because I wasn't very confident about round 2, I wasn't expecting the result to hurt so much. I felt like I did a great job at waiting it out this time and being okay if I got a negative, but I was so wrong. This time definitely hurts worse than the first time. 

   Brent and I had planned out a way of telling his parents and my Mom if we had gotten a positive. We want to be creative and surprise them with the news even though they always know the day we'll be finding out. Not much room to surprise people when it comes to the timing of these treatments! But, we're determined to catch them off guard somehow. I had every possible scenario worked out to the T and it would've worked perfectly. Only one thing missing - a pregnancy. 

   I can't stop wondering why... why it's not working, why this is happening to us. I felt very angry today, so angry to where I couldn't even cry at first. I know that my loved ones are trying to help and be supportive, but it's tough to keep my head up and to be positive. It's also very hard to hear "All in God's timing." It gets more and more difficult every day to hear that. I understand it, and I believe it, I just want my baby now.

   We've made the decision to try IUI one more time. If we get strike 3, we'll move onto in-vitro. I don't even like to admit that we're almost to that point. It's scary, and it's a very serious decision. The "what-ifs" flood my mind and of course the financial part makes my stomach hurt. I hate it so much, and it just shouldn't be this hard. 

   I can't wait for the day that this desperate longing for a child is a distant memory. For the day when I look at my kids and smile at the fact that without all of this waiting, I wouldn't have them - the exact babies God planned for me. Every day I imagine what they'll look like. What their voices will sound like when they call me "Mommy". I can picture them wrestling with their Daddy on the living room floor. It breaks my heart and gives me hope at the same time.

   Please pray that we'll make the right decision about the next step of treatments. It's a constant struggle to know if we're doing the right thing, especially when every doctor has a different opinion. We love and trust Dr. Sterling, but even he says that he won't push anything on us and that we need to make the decisions. Pray that God speaks loud and clear about the path we need to take. If in-vitro is that path, please pray that it's successful. I honestly don't know what we'll do if it isn't. Thank you in advance for your prayers, I'll keep you posted.

~Kirsten

                     "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

                                                                                             -- Hebrews 11:1 

Angels

   I can't stop thinking about the shooting in Connecticut. I can't wrap my mind around such a heinous and evil act. This young, twisted "man" killed his own mother, 20 children, 6 adults, then himself. At church yesterday, the congregation got on it's knees at the altar to pray for the families affected by the tragedy. As I knelt, I was in a daze. I thought of the sheer terror everyone in that building must have felt. The confusion as to what was happening and why. Images of their horrified faces kept flashing through my mind. There have been many killing sprees in U.S. history and they're all nothing short of awful, it's just a different sense of heartbreak when there are kids involved.

   I'll never understand why these things happen. I'll never understand how someone can have so much hatred stored up inside them that they decide to go shoot up an elementary school - or anywhere for that matter. I know that mental illness is a very serious thing, and I know this sounds harsh but if someone plans to commit suicide after the killing spree, why not just do it first? Why put innocent people to death and make their families suffer for the rest of their lives? I've always thought of suicide as a very selfish act considering your family and friends bear the emotional burden after you're gone and are constantly wondering what they could've done to prevent it, but killing others for no reason is far worse. 
   As the President gave a speech at the school last night, I was surprised that he read passages from the Bible, but I'm so glad he did. I choked up when he read the list of names. Each name was someone whose family is now broken, torn apart by sadness and pain. I hope the scriptures brought comfort, even if only a little bit. I hope the families know that their lost family members are now angels watching over them.

   I'll bet that out of those 20 children murdered, there were some that were born to couples like Brent & I. Couples desperately hoping and praying for a baby. Waiting for what seemed like forever to conceive (or adopt). I can't imagine the joy they felt when they were finally blessed with a child, but even worse, I can't imagine what they felt to hear that their precious, innocent child was gone from this world forever. It's gut-wrenching. I feel like if I was one of those parents I'd be ready to die right then so that I could be with them in Heaven. What a long wait for my time to come that would be.

   I read an article where the dad of one of the little girls killed gave a small interview. He told the reporter that he is not mad and that he offers sympathy to the family of the shooter. He said "I can't imagine how hard this experience must be for you." WOW. I wish I could say I'd be gracious and forgiving like that, but there's no way. I would be livid. I understand his sympathy towards the killer's family considering they're not at fault, but there's just no way I wouldn't be mad. 

   I hope that out of something so awful, we can all take away something positive. I hope that the outpouring of love and the desire that people have to help one another in crisis restores our faith in humanity. May the teachers who died while protecting their students and preventing more casualties get the recognition and praise they deserve. Hopefully this brings the families affected even closer together. I know this is far-fetched, but I hope that next time something like this happens, people will just shut up about politics. What good is an argument about gun laws, Obama, or conservatives vs. liberals going to do? Be respectful and let the hurting have their time to grieve. 

   It's unfortunate that only the horrific, devastating happenings make headlines. If as many happy things were being reported, I think our society would be better off as a whole. There are, and will always be terrible people doing terrible things, but there are also so many genuinely good people out there doing good things.

   This, and many other events going on around the world, just reiterates that my struggles are minuscule compared to others'. I may be hurting, but I'm alive! Often, especially when I heard about this particular shooting, I wonder where God's hand is in all of it. I wonder what His plan is. But you know what? It's not really my place to know His plan. In the midst of the challenges in life,  I'm confident that God has our backs. I feel sad for those who think God is a joke, for those who think He's made up. Who do they turn to for comfort in times of trial? Where do they find hope? Just a few more questions I'll never have the answers to.

   Be thankful for what you have, but most importantly WHO you have. I can smile knowing that even if Brent and I had a way of knowing when we met that we'd be battling infertility down the road, we would've chosen to be together anyway. At least I know I would've anyway ;) I can smile knowing that I'm surrounded by people who love me, and that I have an intimate relationship with the Lord. 

   If you have children, love them like crazy. Write down funny things they say, get down on the floor and play with them. Let them make a mess and be a kid. Make them feel special. Give them hugs and kisses as often as you can, and make sure they know that they're loved. That's what I'll be doing when I finally get my sweet baby. 


~Kirsten


                "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."
                                                                                                                -- Hebrews 11:1 

High Hopes, Low Percentages

    "Roller coaster ride of emotions" is a bit misleading... I know it's implying the ups & downs, but at least roller coasters are fun. 

   I began tracking ovulation on Sunday. We got great news on Monday which encouraged us to do another IUI round, so naturally I was thrilled. By Thursday (day 5 of testing) I still hadn't caught my surge and began to worry. The nurse told me I probably didn't ovulate this month, but that it's completely normal to skip around and that we'd try again in January. What a bummer! I told her I'd keep testing until the weekend just in case. Come yesterday around 12:30 in the afternoon I tested, and much to my surprise the stick was smiling back at me! Literally, a smiley face. I called the doctor right away to get everything set up.

   My second IUI was this morning at 9am and now I'm home resting for 2 hours or so before I head to the salon. Brent was unable to come to my appointment since he had to be at work, and I wished the whole time he was sitting next to me. Dr. Sterling is out of town, so his back-up doctor, Dr. Nilson performed the procedure. He was very nice and funny, and he made me feel comfortable, I just really missed Dr. Sterling. I know that their job is to be realistic, but I love that my doctor is always optimistic and makes me feel hopeful even if he's giving me not so great news. 

   Dr. Nilson asked if I knew the chances of success with IUI based on our situation, and I said "10, maybe 15%?". I'm not sure where I got my information - probably Google - but I was under the impression that for couples with bad stats, 10-15% was the norm and that for the ideal situation it was about 25%. Of course it varies for everyone, but based on our issue, our chance of success with this procedure is a whopping 2%. That's right, TWO percent. Which, I also found out, is actually higher than the chance of us getting pregnant on our own. That, my friends, was a kick in the gut. I felt nauseous instantly after he spoke those words. He told me that he put our names on the IVF list for future reference. I had to refrain from crying as I laid there waiting for the 10 minutes to be up so I could get dressed. Ten minutes alone in an exam room is plenty of time for the brain wheels to start turning and have you over-thinking everything.

   Discouragement hit me like a ton of bricks on the way home. It overwhelmed me and I feel that since I held in my tears earlier, my eyes sort of exploded. The tears streamed down my face and I kept saying - begging really - "God, please. Please give me a baby this time." A week or two ago Brent & I had decided to try IUI several more times before resorting to IVF, but now I guess we'll need to have that discussion again. To go from completely pumped up at 6 this morning to feeling defeated in a matter of 3 hours is not my idea of a good time. 

   Once again, I will be okay again tomorrow. Maybe even tonight. But these feelings of helplessness and desperation are getting so old. Of course I'll pray every chance I get that this round does the trick, no matter how down I get. I feel that since the looks of it are more dire than last time, I won't be so anxious during the two week wait, but I'm sure that won't last long. I'll be counting down the days, hours, minutes. Thank God it's almost Christmas and I have a jam-packed schedule at work... less time to dwell. 

   I'll keep on keeping on with the blog entries. I'm so thankful for the kind words about my writing and flattered that people are so interested in following my updates. The encouragement makes me feel great! Even if no one reads them, I'll keep writing. It's the only way to pour my heart out to the public without bursting into tears and making everyone uncomfortable :) Love you all.

~Kirsten

                  "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

                                                                                   -- Hebrews 11:1 

Testing, Testing, 1-2-3

   I posted on Facebook the other day that we received some good news. I think it's the first time since we started this process that we've gotten off the phone with the nurse feeling happy and at ease. I could see the relief on Brent's face as we both listened intently to the nurse tell us the news over speaker phone. If you didn't see my update, we had (hopefully) one last test taken last Monday, and the results were considered excellent! This was our green light to begin the second round of IUI. Thank you, Lord! So, now I just keep tracking my ovulation and when it happens, I'll go in for an ultrasound & trigger shot.

   I have a very small bladder (aren't you so glad you're reading this already?!). When you're tracking ovulation, you're supposed to wait at least 4 hours from the last time you used the restroom to take a test. I usually pee one time per hour. On the box of tests, it says to test once a day, at the same time each day. Well, since I'm an over-achiever and overly-paranoid, I do it three times a day. Morning, noon & night - just to be sure I didn't miss anything. 

   The box also says not to drink fluids excessively. This proves very difficult for me, because I drink a lot of water throughout the day. It's now day four of testing and I. AM. THIRSTY. I remember going to Six Flags Over Texas once in the summer as a teenager with my sister and some friends, and I remember being so parched I felt like I was dying. All I can tell you is, I'm thirstier than that. In spite of the minimal h2o intake, I'm clearly well hydrated, because after those 4 hours have passed I am almost in a sprint to the restroom. Talk about cruel and unusual punishment! But, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

   Who has two thumbs and likes to be in control? This girl. I keep planning out exactly when ovulation will happen. In my mind, it always occurs at the perfect time when I'm not busy or I don't have many clients booked at work. It happens so that when I call my doctors' office the receptionist says "come on in, we're free right now!". It's safe to say that I'm still learning that my plan is not THE plan. The Bible tells us in Isaiah 45:7 : "I form light and create darkness, I make well-being and create calamity, I am the Lord, who does all these things." The Bible also says to cast your cares upon Him for He cares for you. It seems so simple, yet it's one of the hardest things for me to do. I'm so used to doing everything myself. I'm used to having things the way I want them. I hand over my worries and cares through prayer and petition but I don't always give up complete control. My prayer is that I will.

   There are days when I'm hurting so much that I wonder if it can get worse. Then God not-so-subtly reminds me that it sure can. 

   Our brand new car was recalled and we've been driving a rental. I pitched a fit like total brat when I found out. Why was I even complaining? Yes, it was a big purchase and I wasn't expecting the recall, but we're lucky to have not one but two working vehicles.

   I made Brent watch a football game on the TV in his man cave the other night since I was using the living room TV and he said "but it's not HD!"... I laughed and remarked "first world problems, huh babe?". At first it was a joke, but then it sunk into me that it couldn't be truer. 

   We are SO blessed, and we have more than we need. Every day I see homeless people walking up and down the street in front of the salon and I wonder how they got there. I'll meet people with a sadness in their eyes and wonder what's going on in their lives. I hear about addicts and wonder what drove them to that point. People with cancer or other diseases, fearing for their lives. Everyone has a story. If infertility is our only problem, we're a thousand times better off than most people. I hope that my heart turns away from judgment, but instead has compassion towards those less fortunate, whether it's a few dollars to the needy or a smile that brightens someone's day. My prayer is that people can tell that I'm a Christian when they meet me. 

   I know you guys already are, but please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Round 2 should start in a couple of days and we're very excited! Everyone has been so supportive and we're thankful for every single text, call and Facebook message. I can't wait to write an "I'm Pregnant" blog!!

~Kirsten

 
 "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

                                                            -- Hebrews 11:1  

Our Love Story

   My husband has been my rock through this hard time in our lives. He's wiped my tears, kissed my forehead, made me laugh when I didn't even feel like smiling, and told me he loves me over and over again. He's encouraged me to not give up. He's the most sickeningly optimistic and positive person I've ever met, and for that I am so grateful. 

   God knew what he was doing when he put Brent in the same bar I was in on my 21st birthday. Yes - a BAR. My mom still cringes about that! Sounds a little backwards, huh... that I believe God would send me the love of my life in such a place? Oh well, I believe it. Remember in my last post how I mentioned that he dumped me, but that was another story for another time? Well, for those of you who don't know our story, here's that time...

   

   I was out with a few friends celebrating my birthday at a place called Wild Horse Saloon in Tulsa. This cute, skinny guy came up to me and asked me to dance. At the time, I had been dating someone for about 6 months (he was underage so he couldn't come out with me... call me a cougar!), so I kindly said no to his offer. He was polite and said "Okay, well it was nice to meet you. Have a good night!". I didn't think twice about it, and went about my boozing (yuck.) Little did I know, that guy I turned down would eventually become the most important person in my life.

   Brent and I had a few mutual friends, and we found that out when we ran into each other at the Caravan. A friend of mine from beauty school is best friends with the ex-wife of one of Brent's best friends. That's a mouthful! Anyway, we were all at Caravan, and I saw my friend talking to Brent. I recognized him from the night of my birthday, and we said hello to each other. Between the first time I met him to that night at Caravan, I had broken it off with the boyfriend previously mentioned. Brent proceeded to ask me for my phone number and I told him no... I guess I was playing hard to get. Who knows. I began thinking of him often and hoping to run into him more. We saw each other yet again back at Wild Horse - sense a pattern? - and I asked him for his phone number (he still jokes that I just couldn't resist him). I've never done that before. He gave it to me and we began texting, then talking, then hanging out. 

   Brent asked me to be his girlfriend two, maybe three times, but I told him I'd say yes when I was ready. On January 19th, 2008, I asked him to be my boyfriend. Yet another thing I'd never done! We were an official item, and fell for each other quickly. 

   

   Let's go back a bit. When I was 16, I started dating a guy I met through a friend. We dated for 3.5 years, and then off and on for about 8 months. At first it was wonderful. We got along and had fun together. We were best friends. But it wasn't long until I was lied to, cheated on, and treated badly. I was blinded by the feelings I had for him, and was convinced we would get married. We went through a lot together. My family came upon a very rough time that caused a huge fallout and a lot of heartache. I took care of him after he had knee surgery. His mother passed away from cancer in her 40's. It's so hard to see someone you care for in pain. We were each others' security blanket, and stayed together because we didn't know what else to do. We eventually split for good, and even though we both knew the relationship couldn't be salvaged, it was devastating. We were each others' first love - it just wasn't the right kind of love.

   

   When Brent and I started getting serious, it scared me a little. I unfortunately made him suffer from my trust and jealousy issues - my insecurities from my previous serious relationship - even though he did nothing to trigger them. Since day one, he's been patient and sweet no matter how crazy I get. In May, which was about 4 months into our dating relationship, Brent broke up with me. I made him leave my apartment so I could be upset in private. A day later, he was at my door asking me back. I was thrilled, and things were back to normal. That is, until September, when he broke up with me AGAIN... right around the time of my 22nd birthday. How rude! Who did this guy think he was? Breaking up with me twice in 8 months time?! I was a wreck. I'd never been dumped, much less twice by the same person! I felt like he ripped my heart out and stomped on it. He said he felt like I was more serious about him than he was about me and didn't want to lead me on. Ouch! Yet, I couldn't be mad because he was being nice and honest about it. My roommate (one of my best friends to this day!) brought home my favorite pie and literally gave me a shoulder to cry on. I cried. And cried. And cried some more. I had gotten close to his family, which made it worse. I didn't understand why the end of an 8 month relationship hurt me so much more than one that lasted over 4 years did. Then it hit me... it was because I was actually in love with him.

   Brent continued to call and text me every day. He felt bad for hurting me. I had gone from sad to just plain mad, and I ignored his calls, texts and voicemails. He came up to my work and I made him leave. The girls I worked with felt bad for him. Ha! After 2 weeks he was blatantly asking me to be with him again, that he made a mistake. I told him if he was serious about me, he better prove it. So, he did. I made him grovel for almost 3 months until I took him back. The night we got back together he told me that he wanted to see me in a white dress and have his dad perform the ceremony. We kissed, and that was that. We  never broke up again.

   He left for Air Force basic training in March of 2009, and we wrote letters back and forth almost every day. I still have them all, and read them from time to time. It only took him two letters until he started really bringing up to the "M" word. We hadn't talked much about it before except for that smooth line he delivered about the white dress. He proposed on June 28th of that year and we were married 3 days shy of a year later. What a whirlwind!

   His family (mainly his cousins!) always jokes about what a piece of work he is. He's a kid at heart. He's a 27 year old who will drive a hundred miles to play a pickup football game. He's obsessed with his XBox. He's messy and leaves a trail everywhere he goes. They ask how I put up with him. My question is : How does me put up with me?! I'm tightly wound. I'm a pessimist. I'm an OCD clean freak who has to have things a very specific way. I'm jealous and insecure. I get cranky veeeerrry easily. I stress about little things and tend to nag. 

   Brent is kind, funny, good-hearted, happy, & patient. He has never raised his voice, called me names or said mean things to/about me. He supports me and encourages me. He's not possessive or controlling. He's honest and faithful to me. He's a light during my dark times and the one person who can instantly make me feel better. He loves my family and my family loves him. The thing I appreciate most about him? He loves me - unconditionally. Thin or chubby, sad or happy. THAT'S why I "put up with him". We may drive each other crazy and bicker about stupid stuff, but I'm blessed and excited to spend forever with him. To watch him grow during the phases of life. To grow as my husband, and *soon*, the father of our children.

   So there you have it, the story of us. I smile when I think that out of all the people we've ever met, we picked each other. Sorry if this was a bit on the sappy side, but I know how fortunate I am to have someone like Brent to share life with and I'm not good at expressing myself out loud. Marriage is the best thing that's ever happened to me! The bumps in our road to get here were worth it, and the struggles we're having now will soon be added to those old bumps :) I'll post another blog entry as soon as we know exactly what the next step in our baby journey will be. Hope you're not sick of me yet - thanks again for reading!

~Kirsten

     "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

                                                            -- Hebrews 11:1  

Baby Weight

   Have you ever had a dream where you're a few hundred pounds overweight and you're not sure how you got there? Perhaps my stress-eating is influencing my subconscious, but I have had that dream several times lately. It's scary and I don't like it. One of my biggest fears is getting really heavy and not being able to drop the weight.

   From March to May of this year I had lost about 18 pounds by cutting out every type of food I like and exercising obsessively every day. I loved the compliments I was receiving and I felt better about myself, but I was having to go to extremes to get rid of the flab and keep it off. Cut to now, and I've gained almost all of that weight back. The way my body works is if I don't work out like a crazy person, I gain weight - FAST. My stomach gets poochy and my arms get fat. Waving makes me self-conscious. I love to eat and hate to exercise... worst. combo. ever. It's amazing that I'm not 200+ pounds already.

   I tend to eat a lot when I'm either really stressed, or really happy. I eat very little when I'm sad, I just don't feel hungry. For those of you who were around when my dear husband dumped me during our dating relationship, do you remember how skinny I got? Yeah, that's cause I was very sad. I was always the dumper, never the dumpee, so my heart along with my ego was obliterated. Before my love came along, I had an almost 5 year relationship, and even that breakup didn't affect me nearly as bad as the one with Brent did. Ask my roomie, I lived on cheese & crackers. That's another story for another time!

   Anyway, I'm stressed. My body and my mind are tense and completely overcome with the happenings of my life as of late. I've put my physical shape on the back burner and focused my whole life on having a baby. If you've ever struggled or are currently struggling with being unable to conceive, I guarantee you've been told "Don't be stressed, it'll make getting pregnant harder." I understand the toll stress takes on the body, but do you think that telling me not to stress out will make me not stress out?! Easier said than done, people.

   I get a little freaked out when I think about the changes my body will undergo during the nine months of each pregnancy. To think that I'll get quite a bit bigger than I am now is not very comforting. I know there will be extra pounds and stretch marks (hopefully not too many of those). I know that I'll feel like a blimp and walk like a penguin towards the end. But you know what? I don't care! Bring on the swollen hands & feet, the puffy face. I can't wait to watch my belly grow. Granted, I know pregnancy is no excuse to eat terribly or gain excessive amounts of weight, I'm just saying that baby weight doesn't seem near as scary as weight gained otherwise because there will be a pot of sweet baby gold at the end of the fat rainbow.

   I see moms every day who have incredible bodies and look like there's no possible way that there was once a baby in there. Kind of makes me sick actually, just sayin'. But my goal is that when I'm done having babies I will be even more motivated to be in shape and to look/feel better than I did before I got pregnant. I want to be healthy for my children. I want them to be proud of me. I may never wear a 2-piece swimsuit again, but that's okay. I'll make sure to remind my kids constantly that it's their fault ;)

   If you're a mom, I hope you're proud of the body you have. I hope you marvel at and appreciate the fact that you grew a little one in your belly and thank God for the opportunity to do so. Keep in mind that there are so many women praying, hoping, wishing, BEGGING to be able to do that and to gain that weight because it means being pregnant. I'm sure that seeing your stretch marks doesn't necessarily bring an instant smile to your face, but I look at them as tattoos of the sacrifices you made to bring that beautiful baby into the world. 

   I hope my blogs don't become redundant, I just can't help but reiterate how big of a blessing a baby is. Our first shot at IUI may have been unsuccessful, but we're going to keep on keeping on. This week I've had what seems like hundreds of texts/calls from loved ones checking up on Brent & I. Thank you all so much for your support and kind words. 

   We have one more test scheduled that the doctor strongly advised us to have done, and it's on Monday at 1:30. The results will be the deciding factor in whether we try IUI again or begin down the in-vitro path. As always, I ask that you keep us in your prayers. We anxiously await our YES!

~ Kirsten

         

        "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

                                                            -- Hebrews 11:1                                                 

The Digital Age

   Two weeks. Fourteen days. One hundred and sixty-eight hours. Ten thousand and eighty minutes. You get the point. This period of time is how long I'm supposed to wait to know if I'm pregnant or not, and let me tell you, it's brutal. So brutal in fact, that I couldn't bear to wait quite that long because I felt that if I waited five more minutes I'd officially lose my mind.

   A million questions, worries, and thoughts have gone through my mind during this waiting period. Every single feeling or pain is automatically thrown into the "symptom" category. You're probably thinking that I wouldn't know a symptom if I've never been pregnant, and you're so right. I have no clue what to expect or feel. It doesn't help that a lot of pregnancy symptoms are also things that happen when you're about to receive your monthly gift. That's just not right! It's agonizing really.

   After a procedure like IUI, the doctors & nurses advise you not to take an at home pregnancy test and just to wait for the blood test to know for sure. Due to the trigger shot having a high level of HCG, an at home test can give a false positive and get your hopes up. I did some more Googling, which I swore I wouldn't do, and read that the HCG from the shot usually leaves the system in 9-12 days. I told Brent I wanted to take one early so I could see a positive pop up, even if it was a false one. Twisted, huh?

   Anyway, against the suggestion of a professional, I caved early Friday morning and took a test. Friday was 11 days after the trigger shot and 9 days after the IUI (they advise you to not test at all until 12-14 days after the procedure, but I guess I'm a rebel like that). I always buy the Clear Blue Digital tests because they give you a straight up "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant". I don't mess around with the ones with the lines or plus/minus signs, that just makes for too much guessing and my neurosis can't handle it! I did my thing and set the test on the bathroom counter. My heart instantly started to race as I watched the hourglass flash for two loooong minutes. 

   Not Pregnant. 

   Seriously?! How can that be? I was SURE that the IUI had worked and that there was a baby in there. Immediately my heart dropped to my feet. I didn't cry. Actually, I couldn't cry for some reason. I took a few deep breaths and got back into bed, only to lay there staring at the ceiling for an hour. Brent kissed me and told me it will be okay and that we'll try again. He told me to remain faithful. 

   Out of the 12 months that we've been trying, I've taken 9 tests. I know you all are smart, but I'll help out for a dramatic effect... that's nine "Not Pregnant"'s. It doesn't get any easier. It's hard to stay faithful when you keep getting a blatant NO! I convince myself every month that if I'm not pregnant again, I'll be okay and I won't lose hope. But like I told a friend of mine, the negative result can really put a damper on my optimistic attitude. I'm glad God doesn't turn His back on me when I start losing sight of His promises.

   A couple of hours after the test, I was going over different scenarios in my head. I kept thinking "Maybe I tested too early.", "Maybe I'm not producing enough HCG right now to show up on the test.", etc. I was back to imagining the day when I get a big fat "Pregnant" result. Clearly my hope wasn't completely gone, its feelings were just hurt.

   I wonder every day how well I'm balancing the fine line between hope and realism. It's difficult to go back and forth with that all the time. I'm typically the kind of girl who goes by statistics and I tend to stress over the percentages of success or failure when it comes to fertility treatments. Then I remember that my God isn't a God of statistics. He's a God of miracles. He proves statistics wrong on a daily basis. Some may see my hope as being unrealistic, and sometimes even I see it as that, but it's better than being hopeless.
   I don't want to portray myself as a woman of unwavering faith because I'm not even close. I get so bummed out. I get down in the dumps and come down with a bad case of the "I'm never going to have a baby!"'s. I get jealous of pregnant women. I ask God why I'm having to wait when there are junkies and alcoholics getting pregnant without trying, or mothers who put their babies in dumpsters. I know it's not my place to say who should be a parent and who shouldn't, it's just one of life's mysteries to me I guess. However, I know that I can't dwell on those thoughts and feelings for too long. Worrying and being pessimistic won't get me anywhere.
   My blood test was this morning at 8am. The nurse wrote my information on the vial and said I'd get a call in about 3 hours. When I got home from the doctors office, I sat there and pictured the look on Brent's face when I revealed to him that we're having a baby. I imagined the priceless reactions of our families and friends. It would no doubt be the happiest day of my life, until of course that precious baby makes his/her arrival. Not like I was counting or anything, but it actually turned out to be 5 hours and 10 minutes before I'd get the news. 5 hours and 10 minutes of sheer torture. The entire time, my heart felt like it was made of dynamite and that it would explode at any second. Anxiety is a terrible thing.
   Unfortunately, the at home test was correct. I'm not pregnant. When I got on the phone with the nurse, she was hesitant so I knew the answer before she even gave it to me. I had to give the news to Brent over the phone, and the sadness in his voice broke my heart. I kept it together at work by hardly talking to anyone (sorry, guys). Remember how I said I didn't cry on Friday morning? Yeah, well I made up for it this evening. As soon as I got in my car to head home, the floodgates burst open. I got to crying so hard that I had to give myself a minute and let the tears dry up a bit before continuing to drive. Over and over in my mind were the questions "How could it not work?", "How is it that I'm still not pregnant?". Sometimes I wish so much that God's timing would coincide with mine. 

   Keep praying, friends. Especially now. Pray for healing from the emotional toll this process is taking on me and Brent. I'm feeling discouraged and disappointed and I know he's feeling the same way. I want to kick and scream like a spoiled brat and give God the whole "life isn't fair" speech. The icing on the big fat slice of cake that is today? Reading an article that 4 girls have earned the "coveted spots" to star in MTV's 3rd season of Teen Mom. Yay.
   Tonight I will stay on this couch and pout. I'll snuggle with the dogs and wish this sob-induced headache away. I'll cry a good portion of the rest of my tears as I watch Parenthood. Two birds, one stone I suppose. My good friend told me today "It sucks. But it's okay to be upset!". So that's what I'm going to do. I'll pick myself back up tomorrow morning and get ready to start this stuff all over again.
   Please continue to stand in agreement with us and believe that our desire to have a child will soon be granted. The wait is killing me.


~Kirsten

       

         "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

                                                       -- Hebrews 11:1

Letters from Mom

*I wrote this over two weeks ago while laying in bed at 2:30am. I've proof-read it and hopefully nixed any typos or things that make no sense :) This entry has potential to be 400 pages long, so I've condensed it for the readers' sake! Happy Thanksgiving y'all, be extra thankful for your precious kiddos!*

Dear Child(ren):

   I have been praying for you and waiting to hold you for what seems like forever. I wonder what you'll look like, what your little cries and coos will sound like. I hope you have your Dad's bright blue eyes and my dark hair. You'll be welcomed and fussed over by so many people that love you. Your Poppa, Mia & Grandma will spoil you rotten from the second you arrive. You have so many aunts, uncles & cousins that you may be 10 years old before you memorize all of their names. You have 2 furry brothers who will sniff you, snuggle you, and force your Mom to obsessively vacuum their hair out of the carpets. 
   I hope the example that we set for you teaches you to love Jesus with everything you have and that you're proud of it. I pray that you have an intimate relationship with Christ and never compromise your faith for anyone. I've made my fair share of mistakes because I walked away from the Lord as a teenager/young adult, and let's just say my life was less than fabulous for that period of time. He is, and always will be the protector of your heart and lover of your soul. If you're strong in Him, you'll be strong in everything. 
   I hope you have your Daddy's heart... slow to anger and quick to forgive. A heart that seeks out the best in everyone, and where jealousy is non-existent even though your Mommy wishes he'd get jealous just a smidge sometimes, simply so she doesn't seem so crazy when she turns green with envy. 
   I hope that you make friends easily, are kind and compassionate, and encourage those around you. I hope you're responsible from an early age, down to brushing your teeth and cleaning your bedroom - although my OCD will prompt me to pick up every dirty sock and pair of undies strewn all over the house even if I've asked you to do it - just like I have every day that I've lived with your father! 
   I can't wait to tell you the same stories of my youth over and over again just to hear you say "Mooooom" in an un-amused tone of voice and watch your eyes roll to the back of your head (just ask Grandma, the eye roll is my specialty). I'll kiss your Dad on the lips in front of you and giggle at your repulsion. We look forward to being the embarrassing parents.
   I hope you confide in us and have secure friendships with us, but know that we will always be your parents first, friends second. We'll go to the greatest of lengths to support you spiritually, emotionally, and financially. Aside from our marriage, you will be our top priority (if we're not happy & healthy as a couple, you're not happy & healthy as our child). We want you to be secure in every area of your life and I know personally that if that isn't established from the get-go, it's a long road to security. 
   Maybe as a teenager you'll be a goody two-shoes like your Dad and not an escape artist like your Mom... remember, I WILL catch you sneaking out of your window and you WILL be grounded for a month. I know all of your tricks, so don't waste your time. 
   I hope you learn the value of a dollar and work hard for what you have, never expectant of a handout. I hope you think for yourself and always stand up for what you believe in. I hope you'll find a path early in your adult life and a career that makes you happy. I pray that you find a spouse who is honest, faithful, and loves you like crazy (and willing to give me grandchildren).
   I hope you have a great appreciation and love for the family you're born into. It's never perfect, and usually chaotic, but be thankful. Pray for your loved ones every day, and remember that they prayed every day for you!
   We already love you more than anything and we are already so proud to call you OURS.



To our son (yet to be named since SOMEONE shoots down all of my stellar suggestions):
   Your Daddy will have you in a football helmet before you even discover that you have fingers & toes. He will teach you every sport in the book even if you don't want him to. I'll be there to put band-aids on your scrapes and ice packs on your ankles... trust me, you'll need them if you inherit your parents' genetics in the ankle department.
   I'll dress you in preppy clothes and fix your hair every which way. Perhaps you'll be smart, athletic, AND musically inclined, even though it will make my job as a girl repellent more of a challenge - we already know you'll be handsome! 
   I know this is cliché, but when you pick up a girl for a date, you better walk up to the front door and ring the bell, not just sit in the car and honk the horn. Hold the door open for her and pull out her chair. Chivalry is NOT dead! Treat all women with courtesy and consideration. 
   I hope you respect your peers, and are a man of such dignity & nobility that your peers can't help but respect you in return. 
   I hope you're always a Momma's boy and let me smooch you in public, even at your high school graduation in front of all your buddies. 
   You'll be an exceptional man, I just know it. I love you & I can't wait to meet you.

To our daughter (Kaydence):
   I'll make you wear bows as big as your head every day until you're old enough to decide otherwise. I'll teach you how to style your hair and paint your nails. As fun as that girly stuff is, it's absolutely essential that you understand that beauty truly begins on the inside.
   I'll teach you how to drive a standard and smile sweetly when boys are surprised that you know how. I'll teach you how to hit a baseline jump-shot with your eyes closed. Pretty girls can be sporty too, ya know! I hope you're independent and confident but never judgmental or conceited.
   May you never let a man define you or depreciate your worth. I know how fragile a girl's heart is and I pray that you'll guard it. Not so much that you deny yourself happiness, but not so little that a man takes advantage of your feelings. It's all about balance, and unfortunately I didn't learn that until the ripe ole' age of 21.
    Your Daddy will be the kind of father I never had, and I know without a doubt that he'll do whatever it takes to protect you.
   I hope you despise shopping like I do, but if you enjoy it then I'll just let your Aunt Heather take you every time, until it's time for you to get married - then I'll be sitting on the couch in a bridal salon with an ample supply of Kleenex for the day you find the wedding dress of your dreams (unless you want to wear mine?!). 
   You'll be a beautiful & admirable woman. I love you & I can't wait to meet you.

~Mom



"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." 

--Hebrews 11:1

Fat & Pregnant

   Since the day I heard the final "click" of my trusty Ortho Tri-Cyclen pack and swallowed my last tiny blue pill, I've noticed every pregnant woman and every. single. baby. within a 50 foot radius. They're everywhere! At first I was excited. Then a few months went by and I was getting impatient. After 10 months had come and gone I started feeling resentful. How terrible is that? I really despise that feeling, especially when it's towards people who don't deserve an ounce of it. 

   I put on a happy face every time someone I know gets pregnant. I am truly thrilled for them, a baby is one of the best things in the world. I'd say bittersweet is a good term... it's bittersweet when I see ladies with their beautiful round bellies or carrying their newborns. I know their pregnancies/babies are bringing them joy and that's so great, I just can't help but wonder "when will that be me??". Baby showers have provoked feelings in me that I'm embarrassed of. Who knew baby socks and diapers could send you into a tailspin?!

   A lot of women complain about being "fat & pregnant", or that they're miserable and can't wait for their pregnancy to be done. Granted, I'm sure it's not rainbows and roses to feel like you're 300 pounds and to be physically unable to paint your own toenails or tie your shoes, but it's a bit of a kick in the gut for a girl who WANTS to feel like she's 300 pounds and be unable to paint her own toenails or tie her shoes. Why would I want to feel that way you ask? Because that means there's a BABY coming! I honestly cannot wait to be huge, to show my bump proudly (under a cute maternity shirt anyway... sorry Mia, no bare belly pictures) and smile every single time I look at it. I am going on the record by saying I will try my hardest to not eat everything in sight, if nothing else except that my husband weighs 155 soaking wet and I'm not too far from there when I'm NOT pregnant ;)

   I don't want this post to seem like a woe-is-me rant or that I'm dogging on women who are expecting. I promise that's not what I'm trying to do. I'm simply taking advantage of the venting outlet this blog provides me and writing out what goes through my head every time I'm reminded that I'm not carrying a child. I don't wish infertility on my worst enemy! No one should have to suffer with their thoughts being consumed by it. Satan is a professional at eating away at me when I'm vulnerable and there are times when it's too late before I realize that's what's being done - but, every single day my faith gets stronger and I've made a habit of praying right then and there when I feel an attack coming on. He will NOT have control.

   I've dubbed "Whom Shall I Fear" by Chris Tomlin as my theme song ("All Things Possible" by Mark Schultz and "Promises" by Sanctus Real also hit close to home!) for this time in my life. If you haven't heard it, you're missing out! I listen to it every day on my way to and from work. There's a line in the song that says "I'm holding on to Your promises, You are faithful..." Such a simple lyric, but SO powerful! Gives me chills every time, because I believe it with all of my heart. My sister in law has a paper on the wall in her old bedroom at my in-laws house that says "God's delays are not denials", and even though it's hard to wait when I want to be pregnant so desperately, I'll continue to trust His promises.

   Sorry about all of the fully capitalized words, I don't know what's gotten into me! On a brighter note - I know that because of the harder-than-we-thought journey we're on, Brent and I will see our children as even more of a miracle and blessing. We are confident that God will give us a baby and when I start to have feelings of resentment or disappointment, I remind myself that soon - hopefully very soon - I will be holding our little one. I'll look at my kid(s) every day and thank God for them, even when they're puking on me or writing on my walls with a Sharpie. Brent and I are already discussing which room will be the baby's room, and yes, I have chosen what colors of paint and furniture we'll put in the Pinterest perfect nursery. It's pretty stinking sweet to hear the husband talk about baby monitors and sleepless nights. *sigh*
   I'm feeling positive and optimistic about this IUI process! I've gotten myself into the mindset to think not "if', but "when". Thanks for reading through my whining and thank you for praying for us. We've got the best moral support we could ask for. We are so blessed and can't wait to be blessed even more!

~ Kirsten

        "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."
                                                                  --Hebrews 11:1

   

Just a Pinch

   Our doctor requested to see us on November 12th to begin the process of artificial insemination. November 12th happened to be the 12th day of my cycle, and at 12:00 that afternoon the nerves set in. I'm not a superstitious person, but it's little things like that that always make my mind and heart think "maybe it's a sign!". I don't know about you guys, but when I get nervous I have to pee, a LOT - just ask my siblings how often I'm in the restroom when tornadoes hit Oklahoma in the springtime. The locker room before each of my high school basketball games was also frequented. 
   Anyway, we got to the doctors office and I had to go one last time before the appointment began. When I came out of the restroom, Brent was standing at the door holding my purse, and when I looked at him I was overcome with a sense of calmness. I'm not sure why it only took that one look to do it, but I instantly felt better and felt so blessed that I have someone like him to go through this with. I said a little prayer as we walked into Exam Room #4 (which happens to be one of my favorite numbers, maybe another "sign"!). Our doctors name is Rob Sterling and he is AWESOME. Love him, love his nurses, love everything about that place so far. They are encouraging and honest, and stress that while they'll make recommendations throughout this process, Brent and I need to make decisions together that make us happy and comfortable. 
   Dr. Sterling performed an ultrasound on me to see how close I was to ovulation, and thank the Lord I was close enough to get the ball rolling! I was sent home with a trigger shot to take that evening at 10pm. For those of you who know anything about Brent & needles - it's a terrible mix, so I immediately knew I'd be giving it to myself. As a kid I had to prick my fingers to test my blood, so I figured it'd be a breeze to prick my stomach considering there is plenty more cushion! My sister-in-law offered to come to my house and help me but I assured her that I could handle it. The nurse said I'd feel just a pinch then it would be over. This girl has a low pain tolerance, but the only pinch I felt was when I was removing the needle! Easy peasy. It's amazing to me that a tiny needle and a small amount of medicine goes to work right away at jump-starting my body into ovulation and that in a short 36 hours, potential baby-making begins. 
   I checked in for my appointment this morning around 9:20. I was praying silently while I waited for the doctor to see me,  and in the next exam room over a baby burst into tears and let out the loudest cry. I couldn't help but smile and think "I can't wait until that's MY baby crying like that!"... Later I'll be eating those words willingly ;)
   By 10am I was laying on a table while Brent sat next to me being his goofy self to loosen me up. I was dreading the fact I'd have to be hooked up to a catheter, because Google says that's how an IUI is done and of course I believe everything it says. Well, I guess I didn't Google enough because it turns out there are different methods, and there was no catheter for me - *cue hallelujah chorus*. Dr. Sterling said everything went perfectly. As I chilled for about 20 minutes on my back with my hips raised, I silently cheered the little swimmers on as if it were the Olympics and Michael Phelps was racing for his 2,619th gold medal. TMI? Whatev. When you're "trying" naturally to get pregnant, it's more of a guessing game, so I was in quite a Twilight Zone frame of mind knowing that the doctor was placing everything as close as possible to where it needed to be in order to begin a potential pregnancy. 
   I've always believed that each life is nothing short of a miracle, but wow! To see first hand how intricately EVERY single baby is formed and that the body has to execute every step perfectly in order to conceive is incredible. To think it only takes ONE sperm out of millions. I am completely astounded at Gods plan and handiwork. I am grateful for modern medicine (3 of my 5 nieces and nephews were given to us with some medicinal help!) and the skill & knowledge the doctors have to help couples like us who are struggling with the same issues. 
   I took the day off work today since I was advised to rest and be as immobile as possible. I didn't argue at all, I mean really, I would've stood on my head all day long if I had to! I've been saying prayers in my head and out loud and claiming our precious baby. I've repeated Psalm 37:4 over and over again and set Philippians 4:4-7 as the background on my phone as a constant reminder. 
   A friend of a friend shared her story of infertility with me a couple of weeks ago - which by the way, resulted in TWO successful pregnancies -  and it's been a huge encouragement! She advised me to do my best to block out anything negative that others are saying, even though most of the time they have the best of intentions and are not meaning to be negative at all, and to just believe that good things are going to happen. To speak it out loud as a proclamation of faith like the Bible says to do. So, that's what I'm doing! I'm holding onto every ounce of hope I have. Today alone my mind has gone a million different directions, but I'm making a conscious effort to stay positive.
   As we wait for the results, I ask that you pray for peace for both Brent and myself. Pray that I keep myself stress-free and get plenty of sleep. Pray that Gods will is done, and that His answer for us is a big "YES"! Pray specifically that this method is Gods plan for us so that we won't have to resort to in-vitro, even though of course we're thankful that we have that option still. We love you all and are overwhelmed by the support and love you've shown us. 
   Consider this an advanced warning - when our baby makes his/her arrival, I will bombard this blog and your Facebook news feed with four thousand pictures of them making the same exact facial expression in each photo just because I CAN! Until next time (which will be soon because I've had another post written for almost a week already, call me an overachiever if you wish!)...

~ Kirsten

    "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."
                                                          --Hebrews 11:1

Chasing a Child

I don't really know how to start this, except for "I don't really know how to start this". This is my first blog, so forgive me if my blog etiquette isn't up to par! Thank you in advance for taking time to read it, and becoming a part of our journey with infertility. Here goes...

I'm a girl who has never thought twice about wanting children, there was no doubt in my mind that I'd love the title of "Mom"! I'm convinced that my maternal instinct kicked in at age 6 when the plastic yellow bottle that came with my "Baby Alive" doll went missing, and I almost lost my marbles because I HAD to feed her (said bottle was later located under the stove... when you're one of a zillion kids, you don't bother asking questions as to how that could happen). Cut to about 16 years later and I was engaged to a man who was well aware of the 50 shades of crazy in my life and agreed to marry me anyway. When Brent and I exchanged vows two years ago, we ("we" meaning Brent, while I acted like I wouldn't be thrilled to have a baby right that second) decided to take our time to enjoy being husband and wife for a while, figuring that as soon as we wanted to start "trying" to get pregnant, it would happen in a snap. A short year later, my handsome Air Force man was deployed to Iraq in September, and I took my last birth control pill the day he left... don't worry, we made that choice together! No tricking on my part :) He returned home in late November and, for lack of better words, we got to work! It's been a year this month that we have been trying to conceive. At around the 8 month mark, we decided that at 12 months we'd see a doctor if we hadn't gotten a little plus sign on one of those dang sticks. We buckled at 11 months and saw a doctor on October 1st. I had some tests done, Brent had some tests done. I won't go into detail as to why we are having trouble getting pregnant, but our results were pretty devastating and we were told that fertility treatments would be our only avenue. In that moment, my dreams of an ideal pregnancy came to a screeching halt and I admit that my hope was gone. Zip, zilch, zero hope. After crying for what seemed like years (really, about 3 days), I gave myself a hypothetical kick in the butt and reminded myself that I have someone on my side who promises to never leave me or forsake me, and to grant me the desires of my heart if I ASK and BELIEVE. No doctor,  no medicine, no procedure can promise me those things. Obviously, God gave us doctors for a reason and I am so grateful to live in a time where knowledge and technology advances daily. I won't go on forever (although, now that I've started I feel like I can!), so, all of this to bring you up to date on where we are in this process. This coming Monday, we have our first appointment for round #1 of IUI (better known as artificial insemination). Please, PLEASE be praying for us. We are feeling confident that even if the IUI doesn't work, there are other treatments that will. My heart has a peace now that it hasn't felt since we got the news, and I'll continue to keep the faith even though it's been tested so often lately. I'll keep you posted, whether you like it or not!

~Kirsten


     "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." 

--Hebrews 11:1