In my last post, I wrote about how the second round of IUI came about. It was different than the first time, and I left the procedure feeling very discouraged. In case you haven't seen my Facebook, we found out today that the second round was unsuccessful. Like the first time, I could hear it in my nurses voice the instant I answered the phone. I feel so bad for her, having to call people to tell them that once again, their dream of being pregnant won't be coming true this time around. Her voice was sad and I can't imagine having to give people that news.
I feel like a failed science experiment. I've been picked and prodded at, I've had two different men checking out my lady business, and I've discussed things with nurses that I never thought I'd have to. Three days a month, I sit on a cold exam bed wrapped in a sheet. My reproductive system is an open book. Because I wasn't very confident about round 2, I wasn't expecting the result to hurt so much. I felt like I did a great job at waiting it out this time and being okay if I got a negative, but I was so wrong. This time definitely hurts worse than the first time.
Brent and I had planned out a way of telling his parents and my Mom if we had gotten a positive. We want to be creative and surprise them with the news even though they always know the day we'll be finding out. Not much room to surprise people when it comes to the timing of these treatments! But, we're determined to catch them off guard somehow. I had every possible scenario worked out to the T and it would've worked perfectly. Only one thing missing - a pregnancy.
I can't stop wondering why... why it's not working, why this is happening to us. I felt very angry today, so angry to where I couldn't even cry at first. I know that my loved ones are trying to help and be supportive, but it's tough to keep my head up and to be positive. It's also very hard to hear "All in God's timing." It gets more and more difficult every day to hear that. I understand it, and I believe it, I just want my baby now.
We've made the decision to try IUI one more time. If we get strike 3, we'll move onto in-vitro. I don't even like to admit that we're almost to that point. It's scary, and it's a very serious decision. The "what-ifs" flood my mind and of course the financial part makes my stomach hurt. I hate it so much, and it just shouldn't be this hard.
I can't wait for the day that this desperate longing for a child is a distant memory. For the day when I look at my kids and smile at the fact that without all of this waiting, I wouldn't have them - the exact babies God planned for me. Every day I imagine what they'll look like. What their voices will sound like when they call me "Mommy". I can picture them wrestling with their Daddy on the living room floor. It breaks my heart and gives me hope at the same time.
Please pray that we'll make the right decision about the next step of treatments. It's a constant struggle to know if we're doing the right thing, especially when every doctor has a different opinion. We love and trust Dr. Sterling, but even he says that he won't push anything on us and that we need to make the decisions. Pray that God speaks loud and clear about the path we need to take. If in-vitro is that path, please pray that it's successful. I honestly don't know what we'll do if it isn't. Thank you in advance for your prayers, I'll keep you posted.
~Kirsten
"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."
-- Hebrews 11:1
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