Baby Weight

   Have you ever had a dream where you're a few hundred pounds overweight and you're not sure how you got there? Perhaps my stress-eating is influencing my subconscious, but I have had that dream several times lately. It's scary and I don't like it. One of my biggest fears is getting really heavy and not being able to drop the weight.

   From March to May of this year I had lost about 18 pounds by cutting out every type of food I like and exercising obsessively every day. I loved the compliments I was receiving and I felt better about myself, but I was having to go to extremes to get rid of the flab and keep it off. Cut to now, and I've gained almost all of that weight back. The way my body works is if I don't work out like a crazy person, I gain weight - FAST. My stomach gets poochy and my arms get fat. Waving makes me self-conscious. I love to eat and hate to exercise... worst. combo. ever. It's amazing that I'm not 200+ pounds already.

   I tend to eat a lot when I'm either really stressed, or really happy. I eat very little when I'm sad, I just don't feel hungry. For those of you who were around when my dear husband dumped me during our dating relationship, do you remember how skinny I got? Yeah, that's cause I was very sad. I was always the dumper, never the dumpee, so my heart along with my ego was obliterated. Before my love came along, I had an almost 5 year relationship, and even that breakup didn't affect me nearly as bad as the one with Brent did. Ask my roomie, I lived on cheese & crackers. That's another story for another time!

   Anyway, I'm stressed. My body and my mind are tense and completely overcome with the happenings of my life as of late. I've put my physical shape on the back burner and focused my whole life on having a baby. If you've ever struggled or are currently struggling with being unable to conceive, I guarantee you've been told "Don't be stressed, it'll make getting pregnant harder." I understand the toll stress takes on the body, but do you think that telling me not to stress out will make me not stress out?! Easier said than done, people.

   I get a little freaked out when I think about the changes my body will undergo during the nine months of each pregnancy. To think that I'll get quite a bit bigger than I am now is not very comforting. I know there will be extra pounds and stretch marks (hopefully not too many of those). I know that I'll feel like a blimp and walk like a penguin towards the end. But you know what? I don't care! Bring on the swollen hands & feet, the puffy face. I can't wait to watch my belly grow. Granted, I know pregnancy is no excuse to eat terribly or gain excessive amounts of weight, I'm just saying that baby weight doesn't seem near as scary as weight gained otherwise because there will be a pot of sweet baby gold at the end of the fat rainbow.

   I see moms every day who have incredible bodies and look like there's no possible way that there was once a baby in there. Kind of makes me sick actually, just sayin'. But my goal is that when I'm done having babies I will be even more motivated to be in shape and to look/feel better than I did before I got pregnant. I want to be healthy for my children. I want them to be proud of me. I may never wear a 2-piece swimsuit again, but that's okay. I'll make sure to remind my kids constantly that it's their fault ;)

   If you're a mom, I hope you're proud of the body you have. I hope you marvel at and appreciate the fact that you grew a little one in your belly and thank God for the opportunity to do so. Keep in mind that there are so many women praying, hoping, wishing, BEGGING to be able to do that and to gain that weight because it means being pregnant. I'm sure that seeing your stretch marks doesn't necessarily bring an instant smile to your face, but I look at them as tattoos of the sacrifices you made to bring that beautiful baby into the world. 

   I hope my blogs don't become redundant, I just can't help but reiterate how big of a blessing a baby is. Our first shot at IUI may have been unsuccessful, but we're going to keep on keeping on. This week I've had what seems like hundreds of texts/calls from loved ones checking up on Brent & I. Thank you all so much for your support and kind words. 

   We have one more test scheduled that the doctor strongly advised us to have done, and it's on Monday at 1:30. The results will be the deciding factor in whether we try IUI again or begin down the in-vitro path. As always, I ask that you keep us in your prayers. We anxiously await our YES!

~ Kirsten

         

        "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

                                                            -- Hebrews 11:1                                                 

The Digital Age

   Two weeks. Fourteen days. One hundred and sixty-eight hours. Ten thousand and eighty minutes. You get the point. This period of time is how long I'm supposed to wait to know if I'm pregnant or not, and let me tell you, it's brutal. So brutal in fact, that I couldn't bear to wait quite that long because I felt that if I waited five more minutes I'd officially lose my mind.

   A million questions, worries, and thoughts have gone through my mind during this waiting period. Every single feeling or pain is automatically thrown into the "symptom" category. You're probably thinking that I wouldn't know a symptom if I've never been pregnant, and you're so right. I have no clue what to expect or feel. It doesn't help that a lot of pregnancy symptoms are also things that happen when you're about to receive your monthly gift. That's just not right! It's agonizing really.

   After a procedure like IUI, the doctors & nurses advise you not to take an at home pregnancy test and just to wait for the blood test to know for sure. Due to the trigger shot having a high level of HCG, an at home test can give a false positive and get your hopes up. I did some more Googling, which I swore I wouldn't do, and read that the HCG from the shot usually leaves the system in 9-12 days. I told Brent I wanted to take one early so I could see a positive pop up, even if it was a false one. Twisted, huh?

   Anyway, against the suggestion of a professional, I caved early Friday morning and took a test. Friday was 11 days after the trigger shot and 9 days after the IUI (they advise you to not test at all until 12-14 days after the procedure, but I guess I'm a rebel like that). I always buy the Clear Blue Digital tests because they give you a straight up "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant". I don't mess around with the ones with the lines or plus/minus signs, that just makes for too much guessing and my neurosis can't handle it! I did my thing and set the test on the bathroom counter. My heart instantly started to race as I watched the hourglass flash for two loooong minutes. 

   Not Pregnant. 

   Seriously?! How can that be? I was SURE that the IUI had worked and that there was a baby in there. Immediately my heart dropped to my feet. I didn't cry. Actually, I couldn't cry for some reason. I took a few deep breaths and got back into bed, only to lay there staring at the ceiling for an hour. Brent kissed me and told me it will be okay and that we'll try again. He told me to remain faithful. 

   Out of the 12 months that we've been trying, I've taken 9 tests. I know you all are smart, but I'll help out for a dramatic effect... that's nine "Not Pregnant"'s. It doesn't get any easier. It's hard to stay faithful when you keep getting a blatant NO! I convince myself every month that if I'm not pregnant again, I'll be okay and I won't lose hope. But like I told a friend of mine, the negative result can really put a damper on my optimistic attitude. I'm glad God doesn't turn His back on me when I start losing sight of His promises.

   A couple of hours after the test, I was going over different scenarios in my head. I kept thinking "Maybe I tested too early.", "Maybe I'm not producing enough HCG right now to show up on the test.", etc. I was back to imagining the day when I get a big fat "Pregnant" result. Clearly my hope wasn't completely gone, its feelings were just hurt.

   I wonder every day how well I'm balancing the fine line between hope and realism. It's difficult to go back and forth with that all the time. I'm typically the kind of girl who goes by statistics and I tend to stress over the percentages of success or failure when it comes to fertility treatments. Then I remember that my God isn't a God of statistics. He's a God of miracles. He proves statistics wrong on a daily basis. Some may see my hope as being unrealistic, and sometimes even I see it as that, but it's better than being hopeless.
   I don't want to portray myself as a woman of unwavering faith because I'm not even close. I get so bummed out. I get down in the dumps and come down with a bad case of the "I'm never going to have a baby!"'s. I get jealous of pregnant women. I ask God why I'm having to wait when there are junkies and alcoholics getting pregnant without trying, or mothers who put their babies in dumpsters. I know it's not my place to say who should be a parent and who shouldn't, it's just one of life's mysteries to me I guess. However, I know that I can't dwell on those thoughts and feelings for too long. Worrying and being pessimistic won't get me anywhere.
   My blood test was this morning at 8am. The nurse wrote my information on the vial and said I'd get a call in about 3 hours. When I got home from the doctors office, I sat there and pictured the look on Brent's face when I revealed to him that we're having a baby. I imagined the priceless reactions of our families and friends. It would no doubt be the happiest day of my life, until of course that precious baby makes his/her arrival. Not like I was counting or anything, but it actually turned out to be 5 hours and 10 minutes before I'd get the news. 5 hours and 10 minutes of sheer torture. The entire time, my heart felt like it was made of dynamite and that it would explode at any second. Anxiety is a terrible thing.
   Unfortunately, the at home test was correct. I'm not pregnant. When I got on the phone with the nurse, she was hesitant so I knew the answer before she even gave it to me. I had to give the news to Brent over the phone, and the sadness in his voice broke my heart. I kept it together at work by hardly talking to anyone (sorry, guys). Remember how I said I didn't cry on Friday morning? Yeah, well I made up for it this evening. As soon as I got in my car to head home, the floodgates burst open. I got to crying so hard that I had to give myself a minute and let the tears dry up a bit before continuing to drive. Over and over in my mind were the questions "How could it not work?", "How is it that I'm still not pregnant?". Sometimes I wish so much that God's timing would coincide with mine. 

   Keep praying, friends. Especially now. Pray for healing from the emotional toll this process is taking on me and Brent. I'm feeling discouraged and disappointed and I know he's feeling the same way. I want to kick and scream like a spoiled brat and give God the whole "life isn't fair" speech. The icing on the big fat slice of cake that is today? Reading an article that 4 girls have earned the "coveted spots" to star in MTV's 3rd season of Teen Mom. Yay.
   Tonight I will stay on this couch and pout. I'll snuggle with the dogs and wish this sob-induced headache away. I'll cry a good portion of the rest of my tears as I watch Parenthood. Two birds, one stone I suppose. My good friend told me today "It sucks. But it's okay to be upset!". So that's what I'm going to do. I'll pick myself back up tomorrow morning and get ready to start this stuff all over again.
   Please continue to stand in agreement with us and believe that our desire to have a child will soon be granted. The wait is killing me.


~Kirsten

       

         "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

                                                       -- Hebrews 11:1

Letters from Mom

*I wrote this over two weeks ago while laying in bed at 2:30am. I've proof-read it and hopefully nixed any typos or things that make no sense :) This entry has potential to be 400 pages long, so I've condensed it for the readers' sake! Happy Thanksgiving y'all, be extra thankful for your precious kiddos!*

Dear Child(ren):

   I have been praying for you and waiting to hold you for what seems like forever. I wonder what you'll look like, what your little cries and coos will sound like. I hope you have your Dad's bright blue eyes and my dark hair. You'll be welcomed and fussed over by so many people that love you. Your Poppa, Mia & Grandma will spoil you rotten from the second you arrive. You have so many aunts, uncles & cousins that you may be 10 years old before you memorize all of their names. You have 2 furry brothers who will sniff you, snuggle you, and force your Mom to obsessively vacuum their hair out of the carpets. 
   I hope the example that we set for you teaches you to love Jesus with everything you have and that you're proud of it. I pray that you have an intimate relationship with Christ and never compromise your faith for anyone. I've made my fair share of mistakes because I walked away from the Lord as a teenager/young adult, and let's just say my life was less than fabulous for that period of time. He is, and always will be the protector of your heart and lover of your soul. If you're strong in Him, you'll be strong in everything. 
   I hope you have your Daddy's heart... slow to anger and quick to forgive. A heart that seeks out the best in everyone, and where jealousy is non-existent even though your Mommy wishes he'd get jealous just a smidge sometimes, simply so she doesn't seem so crazy when she turns green with envy. 
   I hope that you make friends easily, are kind and compassionate, and encourage those around you. I hope you're responsible from an early age, down to brushing your teeth and cleaning your bedroom - although my OCD will prompt me to pick up every dirty sock and pair of undies strewn all over the house even if I've asked you to do it - just like I have every day that I've lived with your father! 
   I can't wait to tell you the same stories of my youth over and over again just to hear you say "Mooooom" in an un-amused tone of voice and watch your eyes roll to the back of your head (just ask Grandma, the eye roll is my specialty). I'll kiss your Dad on the lips in front of you and giggle at your repulsion. We look forward to being the embarrassing parents.
   I hope you confide in us and have secure friendships with us, but know that we will always be your parents first, friends second. We'll go to the greatest of lengths to support you spiritually, emotionally, and financially. Aside from our marriage, you will be our top priority (if we're not happy & healthy as a couple, you're not happy & healthy as our child). We want you to be secure in every area of your life and I know personally that if that isn't established from the get-go, it's a long road to security. 
   Maybe as a teenager you'll be a goody two-shoes like your Dad and not an escape artist like your Mom... remember, I WILL catch you sneaking out of your window and you WILL be grounded for a month. I know all of your tricks, so don't waste your time. 
   I hope you learn the value of a dollar and work hard for what you have, never expectant of a handout. I hope you think for yourself and always stand up for what you believe in. I hope you'll find a path early in your adult life and a career that makes you happy. I pray that you find a spouse who is honest, faithful, and loves you like crazy (and willing to give me grandchildren).
   I hope you have a great appreciation and love for the family you're born into. It's never perfect, and usually chaotic, but be thankful. Pray for your loved ones every day, and remember that they prayed every day for you!
   We already love you more than anything and we are already so proud to call you OURS.



To our son (yet to be named since SOMEONE shoots down all of my stellar suggestions):
   Your Daddy will have you in a football helmet before you even discover that you have fingers & toes. He will teach you every sport in the book even if you don't want him to. I'll be there to put band-aids on your scrapes and ice packs on your ankles... trust me, you'll need them if you inherit your parents' genetics in the ankle department.
   I'll dress you in preppy clothes and fix your hair every which way. Perhaps you'll be smart, athletic, AND musically inclined, even though it will make my job as a girl repellent more of a challenge - we already know you'll be handsome! 
   I know this is cliché, but when you pick up a girl for a date, you better walk up to the front door and ring the bell, not just sit in the car and honk the horn. Hold the door open for her and pull out her chair. Chivalry is NOT dead! Treat all women with courtesy and consideration. 
   I hope you respect your peers, and are a man of such dignity & nobility that your peers can't help but respect you in return. 
   I hope you're always a Momma's boy and let me smooch you in public, even at your high school graduation in front of all your buddies. 
   You'll be an exceptional man, I just know it. I love you & I can't wait to meet you.

To our daughter (Kaydence):
   I'll make you wear bows as big as your head every day until you're old enough to decide otherwise. I'll teach you how to style your hair and paint your nails. As fun as that girly stuff is, it's absolutely essential that you understand that beauty truly begins on the inside.
   I'll teach you how to drive a standard and smile sweetly when boys are surprised that you know how. I'll teach you how to hit a baseline jump-shot with your eyes closed. Pretty girls can be sporty too, ya know! I hope you're independent and confident but never judgmental or conceited.
   May you never let a man define you or depreciate your worth. I know how fragile a girl's heart is and I pray that you'll guard it. Not so much that you deny yourself happiness, but not so little that a man takes advantage of your feelings. It's all about balance, and unfortunately I didn't learn that until the ripe ole' age of 21.
    Your Daddy will be the kind of father I never had, and I know without a doubt that he'll do whatever it takes to protect you.
   I hope you despise shopping like I do, but if you enjoy it then I'll just let your Aunt Heather take you every time, until it's time for you to get married - then I'll be sitting on the couch in a bridal salon with an ample supply of Kleenex for the day you find the wedding dress of your dreams (unless you want to wear mine?!). 
   You'll be a beautiful & admirable woman. I love you & I can't wait to meet you.

~Mom



"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." 

--Hebrews 11:1

Fat & Pregnant

   Since the day I heard the final "click" of my trusty Ortho Tri-Cyclen pack and swallowed my last tiny blue pill, I've noticed every pregnant woman and every. single. baby. within a 50 foot radius. They're everywhere! At first I was excited. Then a few months went by and I was getting impatient. After 10 months had come and gone I started feeling resentful. How terrible is that? I really despise that feeling, especially when it's towards people who don't deserve an ounce of it. 

   I put on a happy face every time someone I know gets pregnant. I am truly thrilled for them, a baby is one of the best things in the world. I'd say bittersweet is a good term... it's bittersweet when I see ladies with their beautiful round bellies or carrying their newborns. I know their pregnancies/babies are bringing them joy and that's so great, I just can't help but wonder "when will that be me??". Baby showers have provoked feelings in me that I'm embarrassed of. Who knew baby socks and diapers could send you into a tailspin?!

   A lot of women complain about being "fat & pregnant", or that they're miserable and can't wait for their pregnancy to be done. Granted, I'm sure it's not rainbows and roses to feel like you're 300 pounds and to be physically unable to paint your own toenails or tie your shoes, but it's a bit of a kick in the gut for a girl who WANTS to feel like she's 300 pounds and be unable to paint her own toenails or tie her shoes. Why would I want to feel that way you ask? Because that means there's a BABY coming! I honestly cannot wait to be huge, to show my bump proudly (under a cute maternity shirt anyway... sorry Mia, no bare belly pictures) and smile every single time I look at it. I am going on the record by saying I will try my hardest to not eat everything in sight, if nothing else except that my husband weighs 155 soaking wet and I'm not too far from there when I'm NOT pregnant ;)

   I don't want this post to seem like a woe-is-me rant or that I'm dogging on women who are expecting. I promise that's not what I'm trying to do. I'm simply taking advantage of the venting outlet this blog provides me and writing out what goes through my head every time I'm reminded that I'm not carrying a child. I don't wish infertility on my worst enemy! No one should have to suffer with their thoughts being consumed by it. Satan is a professional at eating away at me when I'm vulnerable and there are times when it's too late before I realize that's what's being done - but, every single day my faith gets stronger and I've made a habit of praying right then and there when I feel an attack coming on. He will NOT have control.

   I've dubbed "Whom Shall I Fear" by Chris Tomlin as my theme song ("All Things Possible" by Mark Schultz and "Promises" by Sanctus Real also hit close to home!) for this time in my life. If you haven't heard it, you're missing out! I listen to it every day on my way to and from work. There's a line in the song that says "I'm holding on to Your promises, You are faithful..." Such a simple lyric, but SO powerful! Gives me chills every time, because I believe it with all of my heart. My sister in law has a paper on the wall in her old bedroom at my in-laws house that says "God's delays are not denials", and even though it's hard to wait when I want to be pregnant so desperately, I'll continue to trust His promises.

   Sorry about all of the fully capitalized words, I don't know what's gotten into me! On a brighter note - I know that because of the harder-than-we-thought journey we're on, Brent and I will see our children as even more of a miracle and blessing. We are confident that God will give us a baby and when I start to have feelings of resentment or disappointment, I remind myself that soon - hopefully very soon - I will be holding our little one. I'll look at my kid(s) every day and thank God for them, even when they're puking on me or writing on my walls with a Sharpie. Brent and I are already discussing which room will be the baby's room, and yes, I have chosen what colors of paint and furniture we'll put in the Pinterest perfect nursery. It's pretty stinking sweet to hear the husband talk about baby monitors and sleepless nights. *sigh*
   I'm feeling positive and optimistic about this IUI process! I've gotten myself into the mindset to think not "if', but "when". Thanks for reading through my whining and thank you for praying for us. We've got the best moral support we could ask for. We are so blessed and can't wait to be blessed even more!

~ Kirsten

        "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."
                                                                  --Hebrews 11:1

   

Just a Pinch

   Our doctor requested to see us on November 12th to begin the process of artificial insemination. November 12th happened to be the 12th day of my cycle, and at 12:00 that afternoon the nerves set in. I'm not a superstitious person, but it's little things like that that always make my mind and heart think "maybe it's a sign!". I don't know about you guys, but when I get nervous I have to pee, a LOT - just ask my siblings how often I'm in the restroom when tornadoes hit Oklahoma in the springtime. The locker room before each of my high school basketball games was also frequented. 
   Anyway, we got to the doctors office and I had to go one last time before the appointment began. When I came out of the restroom, Brent was standing at the door holding my purse, and when I looked at him I was overcome with a sense of calmness. I'm not sure why it only took that one look to do it, but I instantly felt better and felt so blessed that I have someone like him to go through this with. I said a little prayer as we walked into Exam Room #4 (which happens to be one of my favorite numbers, maybe another "sign"!). Our doctors name is Rob Sterling and he is AWESOME. Love him, love his nurses, love everything about that place so far. They are encouraging and honest, and stress that while they'll make recommendations throughout this process, Brent and I need to make decisions together that make us happy and comfortable. 
   Dr. Sterling performed an ultrasound on me to see how close I was to ovulation, and thank the Lord I was close enough to get the ball rolling! I was sent home with a trigger shot to take that evening at 10pm. For those of you who know anything about Brent & needles - it's a terrible mix, so I immediately knew I'd be giving it to myself. As a kid I had to prick my fingers to test my blood, so I figured it'd be a breeze to prick my stomach considering there is plenty more cushion! My sister-in-law offered to come to my house and help me but I assured her that I could handle it. The nurse said I'd feel just a pinch then it would be over. This girl has a low pain tolerance, but the only pinch I felt was when I was removing the needle! Easy peasy. It's amazing to me that a tiny needle and a small amount of medicine goes to work right away at jump-starting my body into ovulation and that in a short 36 hours, potential baby-making begins. 
   I checked in for my appointment this morning around 9:20. I was praying silently while I waited for the doctor to see me,  and in the next exam room over a baby burst into tears and let out the loudest cry. I couldn't help but smile and think "I can't wait until that's MY baby crying like that!"... Later I'll be eating those words willingly ;)
   By 10am I was laying on a table while Brent sat next to me being his goofy self to loosen me up. I was dreading the fact I'd have to be hooked up to a catheter, because Google says that's how an IUI is done and of course I believe everything it says. Well, I guess I didn't Google enough because it turns out there are different methods, and there was no catheter for me - *cue hallelujah chorus*. Dr. Sterling said everything went perfectly. As I chilled for about 20 minutes on my back with my hips raised, I silently cheered the little swimmers on as if it were the Olympics and Michael Phelps was racing for his 2,619th gold medal. TMI? Whatev. When you're "trying" naturally to get pregnant, it's more of a guessing game, so I was in quite a Twilight Zone frame of mind knowing that the doctor was placing everything as close as possible to where it needed to be in order to begin a potential pregnancy. 
   I've always believed that each life is nothing short of a miracle, but wow! To see first hand how intricately EVERY single baby is formed and that the body has to execute every step perfectly in order to conceive is incredible. To think it only takes ONE sperm out of millions. I am completely astounded at Gods plan and handiwork. I am grateful for modern medicine (3 of my 5 nieces and nephews were given to us with some medicinal help!) and the skill & knowledge the doctors have to help couples like us who are struggling with the same issues. 
   I took the day off work today since I was advised to rest and be as immobile as possible. I didn't argue at all, I mean really, I would've stood on my head all day long if I had to! I've been saying prayers in my head and out loud and claiming our precious baby. I've repeated Psalm 37:4 over and over again and set Philippians 4:4-7 as the background on my phone as a constant reminder. 
   A friend of a friend shared her story of infertility with me a couple of weeks ago - which by the way, resulted in TWO successful pregnancies -  and it's been a huge encouragement! She advised me to do my best to block out anything negative that others are saying, even though most of the time they have the best of intentions and are not meaning to be negative at all, and to just believe that good things are going to happen. To speak it out loud as a proclamation of faith like the Bible says to do. So, that's what I'm doing! I'm holding onto every ounce of hope I have. Today alone my mind has gone a million different directions, but I'm making a conscious effort to stay positive.
   As we wait for the results, I ask that you pray for peace for both Brent and myself. Pray that I keep myself stress-free and get plenty of sleep. Pray that Gods will is done, and that His answer for us is a big "YES"! Pray specifically that this method is Gods plan for us so that we won't have to resort to in-vitro, even though of course we're thankful that we have that option still. We love you all and are overwhelmed by the support and love you've shown us. 
   Consider this an advanced warning - when our baby makes his/her arrival, I will bombard this blog and your Facebook news feed with four thousand pictures of them making the same exact facial expression in each photo just because I CAN! Until next time (which will be soon because I've had another post written for almost a week already, call me an overachiever if you wish!)...

~ Kirsten

    "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."
                                                          --Hebrews 11:1

Chasing a Child

I don't really know how to start this, except for "I don't really know how to start this". This is my first blog, so forgive me if my blog etiquette isn't up to par! Thank you in advance for taking time to read it, and becoming a part of our journey with infertility. Here goes...

I'm a girl who has never thought twice about wanting children, there was no doubt in my mind that I'd love the title of "Mom"! I'm convinced that my maternal instinct kicked in at age 6 when the plastic yellow bottle that came with my "Baby Alive" doll went missing, and I almost lost my marbles because I HAD to feed her (said bottle was later located under the stove... when you're one of a zillion kids, you don't bother asking questions as to how that could happen). Cut to about 16 years later and I was engaged to a man who was well aware of the 50 shades of crazy in my life and agreed to marry me anyway. When Brent and I exchanged vows two years ago, we ("we" meaning Brent, while I acted like I wouldn't be thrilled to have a baby right that second) decided to take our time to enjoy being husband and wife for a while, figuring that as soon as we wanted to start "trying" to get pregnant, it would happen in a snap. A short year later, my handsome Air Force man was deployed to Iraq in September, and I took my last birth control pill the day he left... don't worry, we made that choice together! No tricking on my part :) He returned home in late November and, for lack of better words, we got to work! It's been a year this month that we have been trying to conceive. At around the 8 month mark, we decided that at 12 months we'd see a doctor if we hadn't gotten a little plus sign on one of those dang sticks. We buckled at 11 months and saw a doctor on October 1st. I had some tests done, Brent had some tests done. I won't go into detail as to why we are having trouble getting pregnant, but our results were pretty devastating and we were told that fertility treatments would be our only avenue. In that moment, my dreams of an ideal pregnancy came to a screeching halt and I admit that my hope was gone. Zip, zilch, zero hope. After crying for what seemed like years (really, about 3 days), I gave myself a hypothetical kick in the butt and reminded myself that I have someone on my side who promises to never leave me or forsake me, and to grant me the desires of my heart if I ASK and BELIEVE. No doctor,  no medicine, no procedure can promise me those things. Obviously, God gave us doctors for a reason and I am so grateful to live in a time where knowledge and technology advances daily. I won't go on forever (although, now that I've started I feel like I can!), so, all of this to bring you up to date on where we are in this process. This coming Monday, we have our first appointment for round #1 of IUI (better known as artificial insemination). Please, PLEASE be praying for us. We are feeling confident that even if the IUI doesn't work, there are other treatments that will. My heart has a peace now that it hasn't felt since we got the news, and I'll continue to keep the faith even though it's been tested so often lately. I'll keep you posted, whether you like it or not!

~Kirsten


     "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." 

--Hebrews 11:1