A Passage of Proof

   When I was in middle school, I was involved in a program at church called the Missionettes. There were three different age groups - Daisies, Prims & Stars. When I was in Stars, we were required to read the Bible in it's entirety, a specific amount of chapters each week. I was more worried about completing the task than actually soaking in what I was reading. I read quickly just so I could color in the boxes for each chapter on my worksheet. 
   At that time, I had no idea how powerful the words were. How much meaning they carried. 
   Lately I've been feeling forgotten. Looked over by God. I've felt like my cries and prayers are being put on His back-burner while others are having their desires met. I know, it's selfish and just not true. I've been very sad and angry since we found out the second procedure was a failure. Satan has been really laying into me and making me believe that I'm being forgotten.
   The day after we got the news, a client of mine gave me a book about infertility. It has stories and testimonials from several women who were told they'd never have a baby - one of them being her daughter-in-law. It has scriptures and prayers, and a chapter for each of the 40 weeks of pregnancy. One testimonial stood out among the rest, and I feel like I was absolutely meant to read it. This woman wrote what I've been feeling to the T. She had felt left behind, and that her prayers were insignificant. She's now a proud mommy and the passage she wrote at the end of her story was this:

Sing for joy, O heavens, and exult, O earth;
break forth, O mountains, into singing!
For the LORD has comforted his people
and will have compassion on his afflicted.

But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me;
my Lord has forgotten me."

"Can a woman forget her nursing child,
that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb?
Even these may forget,
yet I will not forget you.
Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are continually before me." (Declares the Lord)
-Isaiah 49:13-16

   Wow. As soon as I read it, I got goosebumps on my arms and tears in my eyes. I thought back to my days in Missionettes. I don't recall reading it at all, not one single verse rang a bell. I was so young, and had no clue that one day this passage would speak to me so strongly. My favorite part is of course God saying that He will NOT forget me. That He has ME engraved on the palms of His hands. 
   For me to receive that book and for there to be a story that almost seems like I had written it myself, goes to prove that I'm not being forgotten. My prayers aren't falling on deaf ears. I wish with all of my might that I could know what's going to happen in the future, but I'll just have to wait. I'm becoming a seasoned pro in the waiting department anyway!
   Please continue to pray for us. Brent has (not surprisingly) done much better about it than I have. He's staying positive and I've yet to see him get angry about it. Pray that I can keep Satan at bay and not let him have control of my thoughts and emotions. Brent said he doesn't care if we have a 0% chance according to the doctors, he will keep believing that we'll conceive. I love that he still has faith like a child at the age of 27. I'm so thankful for him. 
   If any of you reading this are struggling with infertility, I hope that the passage above is an encouragement to you. It definitely hit the spot for me.  


~Kirsten


        "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."
                                                          Hebrews 11:1
   

Strike Two

   It's been a while since I've posted (10 days being a while!). I'm trying not to overload my Facebook with the trials and disappointments of my fertility treatment process. I feel like I should cue the Debbie Downer theme every time - wah wah waaaaah. If you haven't seen the SNL skit, do yourself a favor and look it up.

   In my last post, I wrote about how the second round of IUI came about. It was different than the first time, and I left the procedure feeling very discouraged. In case you haven't seen my Facebook, we found out today that the second round was unsuccessful. Like the first time, I could hear it in my nurses voice the instant I answered the phone. I feel so bad for her, having to call people to tell them that once again, their dream of being pregnant won't be coming true this time around. Her voice was sad and I can't imagine having to give people that news. 

   I feel like a failed science experiment. I've been picked and prodded at, I've had two different men checking out my lady business, and I've discussed things with nurses that I never thought I'd have to. Three days a month, I sit on a cold exam bed wrapped in a sheet. My reproductive system is an open book. Because I wasn't very confident about round 2, I wasn't expecting the result to hurt so much. I felt like I did a great job at waiting it out this time and being okay if I got a negative, but I was so wrong. This time definitely hurts worse than the first time. 

   Brent and I had planned out a way of telling his parents and my Mom if we had gotten a positive. We want to be creative and surprise them with the news even though they always know the day we'll be finding out. Not much room to surprise people when it comes to the timing of these treatments! But, we're determined to catch them off guard somehow. I had every possible scenario worked out to the T and it would've worked perfectly. Only one thing missing - a pregnancy. 

   I can't stop wondering why... why it's not working, why this is happening to us. I felt very angry today, so angry to where I couldn't even cry at first. I know that my loved ones are trying to help and be supportive, but it's tough to keep my head up and to be positive. It's also very hard to hear "All in God's timing." It gets more and more difficult every day to hear that. I understand it, and I believe it, I just want my baby now.

   We've made the decision to try IUI one more time. If we get strike 3, we'll move onto in-vitro. I don't even like to admit that we're almost to that point. It's scary, and it's a very serious decision. The "what-ifs" flood my mind and of course the financial part makes my stomach hurt. I hate it so much, and it just shouldn't be this hard. 

   I can't wait for the day that this desperate longing for a child is a distant memory. For the day when I look at my kids and smile at the fact that without all of this waiting, I wouldn't have them - the exact babies God planned for me. Every day I imagine what they'll look like. What their voices will sound like when they call me "Mommy". I can picture them wrestling with their Daddy on the living room floor. It breaks my heart and gives me hope at the same time.

   Please pray that we'll make the right decision about the next step of treatments. It's a constant struggle to know if we're doing the right thing, especially when every doctor has a different opinion. We love and trust Dr. Sterling, but even he says that he won't push anything on us and that we need to make the decisions. Pray that God speaks loud and clear about the path we need to take. If in-vitro is that path, please pray that it's successful. I honestly don't know what we'll do if it isn't. Thank you in advance for your prayers, I'll keep you posted.

~Kirsten

                     "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

                                                                                             -- Hebrews 11:1 

Angels

   I can't stop thinking about the shooting in Connecticut. I can't wrap my mind around such a heinous and evil act. This young, twisted "man" killed his own mother, 20 children, 6 adults, then himself. At church yesterday, the congregation got on it's knees at the altar to pray for the families affected by the tragedy. As I knelt, I was in a daze. I thought of the sheer terror everyone in that building must have felt. The confusion as to what was happening and why. Images of their horrified faces kept flashing through my mind. There have been many killing sprees in U.S. history and they're all nothing short of awful, it's just a different sense of heartbreak when there are kids involved.

   I'll never understand why these things happen. I'll never understand how someone can have so much hatred stored up inside them that they decide to go shoot up an elementary school - or anywhere for that matter. I know that mental illness is a very serious thing, and I know this sounds harsh but if someone plans to commit suicide after the killing spree, why not just do it first? Why put innocent people to death and make their families suffer for the rest of their lives? I've always thought of suicide as a very selfish act considering your family and friends bear the emotional burden after you're gone and are constantly wondering what they could've done to prevent it, but killing others for no reason is far worse. 
   As the President gave a speech at the school last night, I was surprised that he read passages from the Bible, but I'm so glad he did. I choked up when he read the list of names. Each name was someone whose family is now broken, torn apart by sadness and pain. I hope the scriptures brought comfort, even if only a little bit. I hope the families know that their lost family members are now angels watching over them.

   I'll bet that out of those 20 children murdered, there were some that were born to couples like Brent & I. Couples desperately hoping and praying for a baby. Waiting for what seemed like forever to conceive (or adopt). I can't imagine the joy they felt when they were finally blessed with a child, but even worse, I can't imagine what they felt to hear that their precious, innocent child was gone from this world forever. It's gut-wrenching. I feel like if I was one of those parents I'd be ready to die right then so that I could be with them in Heaven. What a long wait for my time to come that would be.

   I read an article where the dad of one of the little girls killed gave a small interview. He told the reporter that he is not mad and that he offers sympathy to the family of the shooter. He said "I can't imagine how hard this experience must be for you." WOW. I wish I could say I'd be gracious and forgiving like that, but there's no way. I would be livid. I understand his sympathy towards the killer's family considering they're not at fault, but there's just no way I wouldn't be mad. 

   I hope that out of something so awful, we can all take away something positive. I hope that the outpouring of love and the desire that people have to help one another in crisis restores our faith in humanity. May the teachers who died while protecting their students and preventing more casualties get the recognition and praise they deserve. Hopefully this brings the families affected even closer together. I know this is far-fetched, but I hope that next time something like this happens, people will just shut up about politics. What good is an argument about gun laws, Obama, or conservatives vs. liberals going to do? Be respectful and let the hurting have their time to grieve. 

   It's unfortunate that only the horrific, devastating happenings make headlines. If as many happy things were being reported, I think our society would be better off as a whole. There are, and will always be terrible people doing terrible things, but there are also so many genuinely good people out there doing good things.

   This, and many other events going on around the world, just reiterates that my struggles are minuscule compared to others'. I may be hurting, but I'm alive! Often, especially when I heard about this particular shooting, I wonder where God's hand is in all of it. I wonder what His plan is. But you know what? It's not really my place to know His plan. In the midst of the challenges in life,  I'm confident that God has our backs. I feel sad for those who think God is a joke, for those who think He's made up. Who do they turn to for comfort in times of trial? Where do they find hope? Just a few more questions I'll never have the answers to.

   Be thankful for what you have, but most importantly WHO you have. I can smile knowing that even if Brent and I had a way of knowing when we met that we'd be battling infertility down the road, we would've chosen to be together anyway. At least I know I would've anyway ;) I can smile knowing that I'm surrounded by people who love me, and that I have an intimate relationship with the Lord. 

   If you have children, love them like crazy. Write down funny things they say, get down on the floor and play with them. Let them make a mess and be a kid. Make them feel special. Give them hugs and kisses as often as you can, and make sure they know that they're loved. That's what I'll be doing when I finally get my sweet baby. 


~Kirsten


                "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."
                                                                                                                -- Hebrews 11:1 

High Hopes, Low Percentages

    "Roller coaster ride of emotions" is a bit misleading... I know it's implying the ups & downs, but at least roller coasters are fun. 

   I began tracking ovulation on Sunday. We got great news on Monday which encouraged us to do another IUI round, so naturally I was thrilled. By Thursday (day 5 of testing) I still hadn't caught my surge and began to worry. The nurse told me I probably didn't ovulate this month, but that it's completely normal to skip around and that we'd try again in January. What a bummer! I told her I'd keep testing until the weekend just in case. Come yesterday around 12:30 in the afternoon I tested, and much to my surprise the stick was smiling back at me! Literally, a smiley face. I called the doctor right away to get everything set up.

   My second IUI was this morning at 9am and now I'm home resting for 2 hours or so before I head to the salon. Brent was unable to come to my appointment since he had to be at work, and I wished the whole time he was sitting next to me. Dr. Sterling is out of town, so his back-up doctor, Dr. Nilson performed the procedure. He was very nice and funny, and he made me feel comfortable, I just really missed Dr. Sterling. I know that their job is to be realistic, but I love that my doctor is always optimistic and makes me feel hopeful even if he's giving me not so great news. 

   Dr. Nilson asked if I knew the chances of success with IUI based on our situation, and I said "10, maybe 15%?". I'm not sure where I got my information - probably Google - but I was under the impression that for couples with bad stats, 10-15% was the norm and that for the ideal situation it was about 25%. Of course it varies for everyone, but based on our issue, our chance of success with this procedure is a whopping 2%. That's right, TWO percent. Which, I also found out, is actually higher than the chance of us getting pregnant on our own. That, my friends, was a kick in the gut. I felt nauseous instantly after he spoke those words. He told me that he put our names on the IVF list for future reference. I had to refrain from crying as I laid there waiting for the 10 minutes to be up so I could get dressed. Ten minutes alone in an exam room is plenty of time for the brain wheels to start turning and have you over-thinking everything.

   Discouragement hit me like a ton of bricks on the way home. It overwhelmed me and I feel that since I held in my tears earlier, my eyes sort of exploded. The tears streamed down my face and I kept saying - begging really - "God, please. Please give me a baby this time." A week or two ago Brent & I had decided to try IUI several more times before resorting to IVF, but now I guess we'll need to have that discussion again. To go from completely pumped up at 6 this morning to feeling defeated in a matter of 3 hours is not my idea of a good time. 

   Once again, I will be okay again tomorrow. Maybe even tonight. But these feelings of helplessness and desperation are getting so old. Of course I'll pray every chance I get that this round does the trick, no matter how down I get. I feel that since the looks of it are more dire than last time, I won't be so anxious during the two week wait, but I'm sure that won't last long. I'll be counting down the days, hours, minutes. Thank God it's almost Christmas and I have a jam-packed schedule at work... less time to dwell. 

   I'll keep on keeping on with the blog entries. I'm so thankful for the kind words about my writing and flattered that people are so interested in following my updates. The encouragement makes me feel great! Even if no one reads them, I'll keep writing. It's the only way to pour my heart out to the public without bursting into tears and making everyone uncomfortable :) Love you all.

~Kirsten

                  "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

                                                                                   -- Hebrews 11:1 

Testing, Testing, 1-2-3

   I posted on Facebook the other day that we received some good news. I think it's the first time since we started this process that we've gotten off the phone with the nurse feeling happy and at ease. I could see the relief on Brent's face as we both listened intently to the nurse tell us the news over speaker phone. If you didn't see my update, we had (hopefully) one last test taken last Monday, and the results were considered excellent! This was our green light to begin the second round of IUI. Thank you, Lord! So, now I just keep tracking my ovulation and when it happens, I'll go in for an ultrasound & trigger shot.

   I have a very small bladder (aren't you so glad you're reading this already?!). When you're tracking ovulation, you're supposed to wait at least 4 hours from the last time you used the restroom to take a test. I usually pee one time per hour. On the box of tests, it says to test once a day, at the same time each day. Well, since I'm an over-achiever and overly-paranoid, I do it three times a day. Morning, noon & night - just to be sure I didn't miss anything. 

   The box also says not to drink fluids excessively. This proves very difficult for me, because I drink a lot of water throughout the day. It's now day four of testing and I. AM. THIRSTY. I remember going to Six Flags Over Texas once in the summer as a teenager with my sister and some friends, and I remember being so parched I felt like I was dying. All I can tell you is, I'm thirstier than that. In spite of the minimal h2o intake, I'm clearly well hydrated, because after those 4 hours have passed I am almost in a sprint to the restroom. Talk about cruel and unusual punishment! But, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

   Who has two thumbs and likes to be in control? This girl. I keep planning out exactly when ovulation will happen. In my mind, it always occurs at the perfect time when I'm not busy or I don't have many clients booked at work. It happens so that when I call my doctors' office the receptionist says "come on in, we're free right now!". It's safe to say that I'm still learning that my plan is not THE plan. The Bible tells us in Isaiah 45:7 : "I form light and create darkness, I make well-being and create calamity, I am the Lord, who does all these things." The Bible also says to cast your cares upon Him for He cares for you. It seems so simple, yet it's one of the hardest things for me to do. I'm so used to doing everything myself. I'm used to having things the way I want them. I hand over my worries and cares through prayer and petition but I don't always give up complete control. My prayer is that I will.

   There are days when I'm hurting so much that I wonder if it can get worse. Then God not-so-subtly reminds me that it sure can. 

   Our brand new car was recalled and we've been driving a rental. I pitched a fit like total brat when I found out. Why was I even complaining? Yes, it was a big purchase and I wasn't expecting the recall, but we're lucky to have not one but two working vehicles.

   I made Brent watch a football game on the TV in his man cave the other night since I was using the living room TV and he said "but it's not HD!"... I laughed and remarked "first world problems, huh babe?". At first it was a joke, but then it sunk into me that it couldn't be truer. 

   We are SO blessed, and we have more than we need. Every day I see homeless people walking up and down the street in front of the salon and I wonder how they got there. I'll meet people with a sadness in their eyes and wonder what's going on in their lives. I hear about addicts and wonder what drove them to that point. People with cancer or other diseases, fearing for their lives. Everyone has a story. If infertility is our only problem, we're a thousand times better off than most people. I hope that my heart turns away from judgment, but instead has compassion towards those less fortunate, whether it's a few dollars to the needy or a smile that brightens someone's day. My prayer is that people can tell that I'm a Christian when they meet me. 

   I know you guys already are, but please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Round 2 should start in a couple of days and we're very excited! Everyone has been so supportive and we're thankful for every single text, call and Facebook message. I can't wait to write an "I'm Pregnant" blog!!

~Kirsten

 
 "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

                                                            -- Hebrews 11:1  

Our Love Story

   My husband has been my rock through this hard time in our lives. He's wiped my tears, kissed my forehead, made me laugh when I didn't even feel like smiling, and told me he loves me over and over again. He's encouraged me to not give up. He's the most sickeningly optimistic and positive person I've ever met, and for that I am so grateful. 

   God knew what he was doing when he put Brent in the same bar I was in on my 21st birthday. Yes - a BAR. My mom still cringes about that! Sounds a little backwards, huh... that I believe God would send me the love of my life in such a place? Oh well, I believe it. Remember in my last post how I mentioned that he dumped me, but that was another story for another time? Well, for those of you who don't know our story, here's that time...

   

   I was out with a few friends celebrating my birthday at a place called Wild Horse Saloon in Tulsa. This cute, skinny guy came up to me and asked me to dance. At the time, I had been dating someone for about 6 months (he was underage so he couldn't come out with me... call me a cougar!), so I kindly said no to his offer. He was polite and said "Okay, well it was nice to meet you. Have a good night!". I didn't think twice about it, and went about my boozing (yuck.) Little did I know, that guy I turned down would eventually become the most important person in my life.

   Brent and I had a few mutual friends, and we found that out when we ran into each other at the Caravan. A friend of mine from beauty school is best friends with the ex-wife of one of Brent's best friends. That's a mouthful! Anyway, we were all at Caravan, and I saw my friend talking to Brent. I recognized him from the night of my birthday, and we said hello to each other. Between the first time I met him to that night at Caravan, I had broken it off with the boyfriend previously mentioned. Brent proceeded to ask me for my phone number and I told him no... I guess I was playing hard to get. Who knows. I began thinking of him often and hoping to run into him more. We saw each other yet again back at Wild Horse - sense a pattern? - and I asked him for his phone number (he still jokes that I just couldn't resist him). I've never done that before. He gave it to me and we began texting, then talking, then hanging out. 

   Brent asked me to be his girlfriend two, maybe three times, but I told him I'd say yes when I was ready. On January 19th, 2008, I asked him to be my boyfriend. Yet another thing I'd never done! We were an official item, and fell for each other quickly. 

   

   Let's go back a bit. When I was 16, I started dating a guy I met through a friend. We dated for 3.5 years, and then off and on for about 8 months. At first it was wonderful. We got along and had fun together. We were best friends. But it wasn't long until I was lied to, cheated on, and treated badly. I was blinded by the feelings I had for him, and was convinced we would get married. We went through a lot together. My family came upon a very rough time that caused a huge fallout and a lot of heartache. I took care of him after he had knee surgery. His mother passed away from cancer in her 40's. It's so hard to see someone you care for in pain. We were each others' security blanket, and stayed together because we didn't know what else to do. We eventually split for good, and even though we both knew the relationship couldn't be salvaged, it was devastating. We were each others' first love - it just wasn't the right kind of love.

   

   When Brent and I started getting serious, it scared me a little. I unfortunately made him suffer from my trust and jealousy issues - my insecurities from my previous serious relationship - even though he did nothing to trigger them. Since day one, he's been patient and sweet no matter how crazy I get. In May, which was about 4 months into our dating relationship, Brent broke up with me. I made him leave my apartment so I could be upset in private. A day later, he was at my door asking me back. I was thrilled, and things were back to normal. That is, until September, when he broke up with me AGAIN... right around the time of my 22nd birthday. How rude! Who did this guy think he was? Breaking up with me twice in 8 months time?! I was a wreck. I'd never been dumped, much less twice by the same person! I felt like he ripped my heart out and stomped on it. He said he felt like I was more serious about him than he was about me and didn't want to lead me on. Ouch! Yet, I couldn't be mad because he was being nice and honest about it. My roommate (one of my best friends to this day!) brought home my favorite pie and literally gave me a shoulder to cry on. I cried. And cried. And cried some more. I had gotten close to his family, which made it worse. I didn't understand why the end of an 8 month relationship hurt me so much more than one that lasted over 4 years did. Then it hit me... it was because I was actually in love with him.

   Brent continued to call and text me every day. He felt bad for hurting me. I had gone from sad to just plain mad, and I ignored his calls, texts and voicemails. He came up to my work and I made him leave. The girls I worked with felt bad for him. Ha! After 2 weeks he was blatantly asking me to be with him again, that he made a mistake. I told him if he was serious about me, he better prove it. So, he did. I made him grovel for almost 3 months until I took him back. The night we got back together he told me that he wanted to see me in a white dress and have his dad perform the ceremony. We kissed, and that was that. We  never broke up again.

   He left for Air Force basic training in March of 2009, and we wrote letters back and forth almost every day. I still have them all, and read them from time to time. It only took him two letters until he started really bringing up to the "M" word. We hadn't talked much about it before except for that smooth line he delivered about the white dress. He proposed on June 28th of that year and we were married 3 days shy of a year later. What a whirlwind!

   His family (mainly his cousins!) always jokes about what a piece of work he is. He's a kid at heart. He's a 27 year old who will drive a hundred miles to play a pickup football game. He's obsessed with his XBox. He's messy and leaves a trail everywhere he goes. They ask how I put up with him. My question is : How does me put up with me?! I'm tightly wound. I'm a pessimist. I'm an OCD clean freak who has to have things a very specific way. I'm jealous and insecure. I get cranky veeeerrry easily. I stress about little things and tend to nag. 

   Brent is kind, funny, good-hearted, happy, & patient. He has never raised his voice, called me names or said mean things to/about me. He supports me and encourages me. He's not possessive or controlling. He's honest and faithful to me. He's a light during my dark times and the one person who can instantly make me feel better. He loves my family and my family loves him. The thing I appreciate most about him? He loves me - unconditionally. Thin or chubby, sad or happy. THAT'S why I "put up with him". We may drive each other crazy and bicker about stupid stuff, but I'm blessed and excited to spend forever with him. To watch him grow during the phases of life. To grow as my husband, and *soon*, the father of our children.

   So there you have it, the story of us. I smile when I think that out of all the people we've ever met, we picked each other. Sorry if this was a bit on the sappy side, but I know how fortunate I am to have someone like Brent to share life with and I'm not good at expressing myself out loud. Marriage is the best thing that's ever happened to me! The bumps in our road to get here were worth it, and the struggles we're having now will soon be added to those old bumps :) I'll post another blog entry as soon as we know exactly what the next step in our baby journey will be. Hope you're not sick of me yet - thanks again for reading!

~Kirsten

     "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

                                                            -- Hebrews 11:1