I began tracking ovulation on Sunday. We got great news on Monday which encouraged us to do another IUI round, so naturally I was thrilled. By Thursday (day 5 of testing) I still hadn't caught my surge and began to worry. The nurse told me I probably didn't ovulate this month, but that it's completely normal to skip around and that we'd try again in January. What a bummer! I told her I'd keep testing until the weekend just in case. Come yesterday around 12:30 in the afternoon I tested, and much to my surprise the stick was smiling back at me! Literally, a smiley face. I called the doctor right away to get everything set up.
My second IUI was this morning at 9am and now I'm home resting for 2 hours or so before I head to the salon. Brent was unable to come to my appointment since he had to be at work, and I wished the whole time he was sitting next to me. Dr. Sterling is out of town, so his back-up doctor, Dr. Nilson performed the procedure. He was very nice and funny, and he made me feel comfortable, I just really missed Dr. Sterling. I know that their job is to be realistic, but I love that my doctor is always optimistic and makes me feel hopeful even if he's giving me not so great news.
Dr. Nilson asked if I knew the chances of success with IUI based on our situation, and I said "10, maybe 15%?". I'm not sure where I got my information - probably Google - but I was under the impression that for couples with bad stats, 10-15% was the norm and that for the ideal situation it was about 25%. Of course it varies for everyone, but based on our issue, our chance of success with this procedure is a whopping 2%. That's right, TWO percent. Which, I also found out, is actually higher than the chance of us getting pregnant on our own. That, my friends, was a kick in the gut. I felt nauseous instantly after he spoke those words. He told me that he put our names on the IVF list for future reference. I had to refrain from crying as I laid there waiting for the 10 minutes to be up so I could get dressed. Ten minutes alone in an exam room is plenty of time for the brain wheels to start turning and have you over-thinking everything.
Discouragement hit me like a ton of bricks on the way home. It overwhelmed me and I feel that since I held in my tears earlier, my eyes sort of exploded. The tears streamed down my face and I kept saying - begging really - "God, please. Please give me a baby this time." A week or two ago Brent & I had decided to try IUI several more times before resorting to IVF, but now I guess we'll need to have that discussion again. To go from completely pumped up at 6 this morning to feeling defeated in a matter of 3 hours is not my idea of a good time.
Once again, I will be okay again tomorrow. Maybe even tonight. But these feelings of helplessness and desperation are getting so old. Of course I'll pray every chance I get that this round does the trick, no matter how down I get. I feel that since the looks of it are more dire than last time, I won't be so anxious during the two week wait, but I'm sure that won't last long. I'll be counting down the days, hours, minutes. Thank God it's almost Christmas and I have a jam-packed schedule at work... less time to dwell.
I'll keep on keeping on with the blog entries. I'm so thankful for the kind words about my writing and flattered that people are so interested in following my updates. The encouragement makes me feel great! Even if no one reads them, I'll keep writing. It's the only way to pour my heart out to the public without bursting into tears and making everyone uncomfortable :) Love you all.
~Kirsten
"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."
-- Hebrews 11:1
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