It's agonizing and I hate it. It consumes my thoughts. How am I supposed to know the difference between optimistic and overly hopeful? I keep reading scripture after scripture about believing and standing firm in faith, and I feel my heart start to lighten, but then I tell myself "well, you've believed each month for the past 14 months that this will be the month, and it hasn't happened" and all of my faith goes down the drain.
I feel like a terrible example of how a Christian should be. I feel like I'm letting God down by doubting His will and questioning if He'll ever give me my heart's desire.
I had IUI procedure #3 this past Friday, and things looked much better than they did at the time of round #2. I was encouraged and more confident, but I still worry. I still doubt. I still tell myself that it probably won't work. Anytime anyone even hints that I may be pregnant this time I spit out "Yeah right!" or something along those lines. It's like I'm preparing myself for disappointment. I can't stand feeling this way! The doctors say that the trick to fertility treatments is for them to control the variables as much as possible to set the body up for conception. That doesn't put me at ease in the slightest.
A very good friend of mine announced her pregnancy this week and as soon as I heard the news I burst into tears. Most of them were happy because she is one of the kindest and most beautiful people (inside & out!) that I've ever met and she deserves nothing but the best, but some of them were tears of sadness, anger and resentment. When I finished my pity-party I felt so guilty for the feelings I experienced. I felt like a big fat jerk.
I need prayers that God will put my heart at peace, and to help me to believe that good things can and WILL happen to me. I'm just so ready to be done with this time in my life, it is completely wearing me down and every day is harder to be optimistic.
There's a book I've read a few times that was recommended to me and it's called "Supernatural Childbirth". It's message is basically to encourage you that conception and healthy pregnancies are God's plan and the ultimate gift to His children. Towards the end it has this prayer for the woman and/or her husband to pray while they're trying to conceive.
"Father, we thank You that children are the heritage
of the Lord, and the fruit of the womb is His reward. Children are Your idea Father; You thought up
children, and family and home. You instituted the
family in the Garden of Eden. You ordered children;
You commanded them when You said to Adam and Eve, 'Be
fruitful and multiply.' You said that the barren womb
is never satisfied. Lord, the Word declares that I am
wonderfully and fearfully made by You; therefore, I'm
perfect and able to conceive and have children. You
said that I/(my wife) would be a fruitful vine by the
side of our house and our children like olive plants
around our table. We are not ashamed but happy
because our quiver is full of children (or arrows, as
You call them).
"Thank you, Father, that You designed and fashioned
me/her, to have children, that in the Bible barrenness
was the exception, not the rule, not Your will, not
normal, something against Your plan and purpose. And
in Your goodness and faithfulness, every barren woman
in the Bible who was godly and believed Your Word
became pregnant; You opened her womb and blessed her,
and she gave birth to a precious baby just as I/she
will. You make the barren woman to keep house and to
be a joyful mother of children.
"You said, Father, that because You are our God and we
are Your people and have a covenant with You, that You
will love us and bless us and multiply us and bless
the fruit of my/her womb and that neither male nor
female among Your people would be barren.
"Father, we are redeemed from the curse of the Law by
Jesus and being barren is under the curse of the Law;
therefore, we will receive from Your grace and have
children.
"Father, no plague, no evil shall come nigh our
dwelling. We are healed by the stripes of Jesus.
Sickness of any kind is taken out of our midst. You
said to ask anything of You in Jesus' name and it
would be done; and that if two of us on earth agree as
touching anything it would be done. So we pray and we
agree with You and Your Word, Father, that we will
conceive and bring forth a healthy, precious baby to
Your glory and honor. We pray all this according to
Your Word and will. You said, This is the confidence
that we have in You, that if we ask anything according
to Your will, You hear us; and if You hear us, we know
we have the petition we desire of You. We have it
now. Thank You, Father, in Jesus' name."
I admit that the first few times I read it I couldn't bring myself to verbalize it. I was a little put off by it just because it felt so unnatural to me to view pregnancy that way after struggling with infertility, but now I've accepted that it truly is one of God's greatest gifts, and He wants it for us just as much as we want it for ourselves. I now read it out loud almost every night before bed. Obviously it hasn't completely changed my belief pattern but I know that by reading those words over and over, it's helping.
I really hope that God is choosing for round #3 to be the one. I hope that we won't have to resort to in-vitro. I know that HE controls the variables and I just hope and pray that He makes everything work exactly the way it needs to in order for me to conceive this time. As always, I'll keep y'all updated. Thanks for reading my rants ;)
~Kirsten
"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."
--Hebrews 11:1
