The Final Countdown

   Well, friends, I'm officially a month away from my due date! Most days I still can't even believe that I'm pregnant, much less have been for 8+ months and will meet our little one shortly. As I type, she rolls around and makes my stomach take on alien-like shapes, which may possibly be the neatest thing ever. I feel like I've been waiting for this chapter of life for so long, and now that it's happening, time has just flown by. I can't imagine how quickly it'll go once Kaydence is born. 

   To look back at my first blog post and then be typing this one is a true testimony of God's faithfulness, and to know that He sees me and Brent fit to be the parents of this baby that we love so much already is unbelievable. Our trust in Him and patience for this pregnancy was tested over and over, and most days I wondered if it would ever happen for us. I was bitter, angry, discouraged, confused... you name it, I felt it. But the day I woke Brent up to tell him the test was positive made everything we went through well worth it... it was by far the best moment that we've had together.

   I've had a fairly easy pregnancy. I had heard/read about the countless symptoms and terrible things that can go wrong, and it scared me to death at first, but I can honestly say that everything has been much smoother than I ever thought it could be. I had a 6 week bout of all day sickness, but even though the nausea was rough, I was glad to have it because it represented the changes my body was making to accommodate new life. I got excited when I got my first pregnancy-induced nosebleed, because new symptoms meant that I still had a baby growing inside of me. We've had a couple of minor "scares" - a failed 1 hour glucose test (passed the 3 hour one), and a couple of high blood pressure readings which resulted in a day of carrying a jug of my own urine around to test for pre-eclampsia (I was way under the protein level necessary for a positive diagnosis)... that was fun! Now that I'm so far along, sleep in general is a challenge and just the act of breathing proves difficult sometimes, but I can deal. My walks on the treadmill have officially ceased, because every time I'm on there I feel like the baby might fall out. Also, I just really enjoy sitting. The main things I've struggled with have been sciatica, body aches, and exhaustion - pretty mild I'd say! And honestly, if I had a different job that didn't require me to be on my feet all day, I could cross a lot of those symptoms off the list. 
   I must admit, the changes to my body and overall looks have affected me the most... far more than I had expected. The stretch marks, the jiggle that wasn't near as jiggly pre-pregnancy, the swelling (I can still wear my wedding rings though - score!), and the number on the scale rapidly increasing... it's all been hard to get used to. Maybe it's because I'm the type who has always had a complex about my figure (even when I was a 110 pound high school junior, and tipping the scales, so I thought, at 115 pounds as a senior), or maybe I'm just way more vain than I thought I was. I've caught myself complaining and then instantly feel convicted, because I remember how upset I'd get when we were wanting a baby so badly and an expectant mom made comments about the downsides of pregnancy. So I'm trying to keep the negative thoughts about my body to myself... after all, I'm growing a tiny human, and it's hands down the best thing I've ever been blessed to do. I'm so thankful for an awesome experience as a whole, and I can only hope and pray to be able to have it one more time (maybe two!).

   I'll be out of the salon for three whole months. It's bittersweet. I love my job, my co-workers and my clients, but I am so very excited to spend that time at home with Kaydence. Three months seems like such a long time, but I know in the blink of an eye the months will be long gone. I look forward to witnessing many of baby girl's firsts, but it breaks my heart to know that I can't be around for all of them. If she says her first word or takes her first steps when I'm at work, I hope whoever witnesses it has the decency to hide it from me. Then when I'm there and she does it again, they can pretend it's her first time ;) It will be hard to go back to work, but I'm lucky to have a job that I look forward to going to.

   To everyone who has kept up with this blog and have prayed for us since the beginning - I am so, so, SO grateful. When I was worn down, when my prayers were half-hearted, when I was sick to death of being disappointed month after month and when I watched my husband's spirit be broken (which, for those who know him well, rarely happens), I took comfort in knowing that others were picking up the slack. 

   To those of you who are struggling with infertility - I encourage you to never give up. Many days I felt like I was close to throwing in the towel, but my heart never fully let me. If you need someone to talk to, I'm always willing. You can count on me to never give you the "stop stressing out and it will happen", or "just be patient" lines, because I know how frustrating it was to hear that when all I really wanted to hear was that it's okay to be upset and angry sometimes. That bitterness and jealousy are perfectly acceptable feelings. That you can be mad at God (but not STAY mad). I will forever relate, because I will never forget how I felt during the time when every woman but me seemed to be pregnant. You're not alone.

    If Kaydence is the only child we ever have, we will be indebted to God for this blessing a million times and then some. One day we will tell her just how much we wanted her... how many tears we shed for her... how we loved her before she was ever conceived. I hope that Brent and I do our job of showing her the love of the Lord and that He is always faithful to those who trust in Him, and that she takes pride in knowing that she is a direct result of that faithfulness.

   Please be praying for a safe delivery and a healthy baby. Pray for our doctor and nurses. Pray that Brent doesn't pass out or puke. And last but not least, pray that the epidural kicks in REALLY fast if I decide that I can't handle a non-medicated labor :)

   One month to go, people. This is going to be the best Christmas ever!


~Kirsten


                     "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."
                                                                                            --Hebrews 11:1

Glass Houses

   I'm starting this post with a disclaimer: I'll be venting most of the time, so if you don't want to read it... go ahead and stop now! If you decide to carry on, I hope you don't hate me at the end of this :)  

   So, the further along in my pregnancy that I get, the more and more I hear about the do's and don't's of parenting. Breastfeeding vs. Formula. Crib Sleeping vs. Co-Sleeping. Vaccinating vs. Natural Immunity. Spanking vs. ... well, just about any other form of punishment. Homeschooling vs. Public/Private School. The list goes on and on. The way I see it, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't... you're going to be judged anyway and people will treat you like you're not only a terrible parent, but a terrible person as a whole.

   I have strong opinions about parenting just like any other soon-to-be mom does, and if someone asks my views about something I will gladly give them, but I have never gone out of my way to make someone feel like they're raising their children the "wrong" way. I've tried very hard to maintain a to each their own attitude. When did everyone start assuming that a parent doesn't have their child's best interest in mind?! Kaydence won't be here for another four months, but all of this is giving me anxiety.

   I've already caught a lot of flak for certain things I plan to do. One example being the fact that I want to try an all-natural birth. No epidural, no meds at all. I get looked at like I have three heads and the typical response is "Good luck with that!". Since when is it so unbelievable that a woman wants to get the full experience of childbirth? Also, notice how I said I want to TRY. I'm not sitting here saying that I won't change my mind when contractions get really bad. The epidural will be on hand in case I do so. But I honestly feel that I can do it. I'm not downplaying the pain because obviously I've never experienced it, but the pain is temporary. I have nothing against women who plan on medication from the second they find out they're pregnant, so why do I get treated like I'm insane? It's frustrating.

   On a similar note however, I'm guilty of being the person that sees a defiant toddler pitching a fit or an out of control kid back-talking and says "I'd never let my child act that way." or shaking my head in disapproval. I'm going on the record to say how wrong I am for doing that. I have no idea how my daughter will be... I can't say what I will or won't do until it happens. I DO know that I will show her love and teach her respect and do things the way I see fit for her well-being and my own. 

   All of this to say, I'm doing my best to brush off the harsh comments and the judgments from other parents. Even when things are said in a well-meaning manner, doesn't mean that they're kind or helpful. If I'm raising my children to be people who love the Lord and always stand on their morals and values, then I'm doing my job. Who cares if I put their tiny butts in disposable or cloth diapers?! Sigh...

   If you've gotten to this point, thanks for sticking it out. I just really needed to get it off my chest! Now go kiss your kids and raise them how YOU want to raise them, and I'll do the same with my sweet girl when she gets here :)

~Kirsten

                      "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

                                                                                      --Hebrews 11:1

Moving Right Along

   Well, after thousands of requests (okay, maybe like 4 or 5) for a new blog post, here I am! It's been 10 weeks since I've written, and in that time I've realized something... pregnancy makes me lazy. REALLY lazy. I go to work then I come home and want to do absolutely nothing. The cleanliness of my house has suffered, and my laundry strike (in case you're confused, several months ago I decided to stop doing Brent's laundry and only do my own) has gotten worse -- I don't even wash my own clothes until I run out of things to wear.
   I'll try to sum up the past couple of months somewhat shortly. Most of you probably already know most of this because I update Facebook frequently, but that's okay. 
   I had terrible all day sickness from week 6 to week 12. No puking, thank the Lord, but just the sight of most food made me terribly queasy. The smell of coffee made me want to hug the porcelain throne. Saltines were my best friend and I lost weight easier than I have in my entire life! I couldn't stomach anything of substance until about 6 or 7 in the evening and even then I couldn't eat half o what I'm used to eating. I kept being told I'd turn a corner and feel better one day, and to my relief it was true. I went to bed one night with my stomach in knots and woke up the next day feeling fantastic!
   We've had 3 ultrasounds so far and they just keep getting better and better. It's incredible to see how rapidly a baby grows and how different they look from one month to the next. When we went to our 12 week appointment, Dr. Sterling told us he thought it was a girl (about 60%/40% sure) but that he'd tell us for sure at the 16 week ultrasound. Brent was still convinced that it was a boy. As most of you know, at our most recent appointment we found out that Baby Plum is in fact a GIRL!  She was being stubborn at first, and the doctor was having a tough time getting the right angle so we had to try a different approach - and as soon as he did his words were "Oh yeah, 100% girl. No doubt in my mind." Brent's face was priceless. It was like you could see the wheels in his head turning 90 to nothing, trying to process the fact that he was going to have a daughter. He said he'll never forget the look on my face - I guess I lit up instantly! We had a small gender reveal party that night and the reactions were fun to watch! 
   As soon as we got home earlier that day, I purchased her furniture and started talking to an Etsy seller to have the baby's crib blanket made. I just couldn't wait to get everything ordered! At this point we have the nursery painted, bedding ordered, curtains up, half of the furniture has arrived and I'm waiting on two more pieces to be shipped. I go into her room every day just to look at it, almost as if to make sure this isn't all a dream. I'm still blown away that we're going to be parents. 
   Now that I'm well into my 2nd trimester, I'm not near as scared that something bad will happen. I was paranoid the entire 1st trimester, I guess because I would've lost my mind after trying to conceive for so long just to have suffered a miscarriage. I know that things can still go terribly wrong, but I hardly ever have doubts because I honestly believe that this pregnancy will go full term without any significant issues (but of course I still pray fervently that this will be the case!). It's nice to be able to have some energy back and be able to eat normally again. My biggest cravings have been Arby's roast beef sandwiches, macaroni & cheese, and cucumbers with ranch dressing. I think I've eaten 2-3 whole cucumbers per week since week 12! 
   A good friend of mine let me borrow a heart rate doppler so we can listen to the baby's heart beat whenever we want. It's amazing! I'm hoping to feel movement soon so that I don't feel the need to use the doppler every day, though I probably will anyway just because it never gets old to hear that sound. I'm still not really showing... lately I've just looked like I've eaten too much, but I feel like I'm starting to round out a bit and should actually look pregnant in no time. My nephews were convinced that there was no baby in there at first because I didn't have a "fat belly" as Reagan calls it. 
   I think that's about it for now. I'm going to spend my summer working hard at the salon and watching Big Brother at home... I have no further plans and I'm looking forward to the nothingness :) I'm almost halfway through -- time is flying by which makes me excited and nervous at the same time. We're so anxious to meet little Kaydence in December and share our journey with her, with you! 


~Kirsten


                      "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."
                                                                                             --Hebrews 11:1

17 Months

     Guess what y'all?! I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's right, I'm growing a baby. Little Plum is due in December. Can't believe it? Neither can we! 

     As most of you know, we had set up an appointment with an IVF specialist for the end of April. We had started to get really excited and we had all of our previous records from our regular doctor's office all ready to go. 

     Since I've gotten so many negative results from pregnancy tests in the past year and a half, I refused to take a test this month as early as I usually do. Well, first I was 1 day late. No biggie. Then 2, then 3, then 4. I was in complete denial and ensuring myself that my cycle was probably just off this time around. Finally on the 5th day I took a test. It was early morning (6am to be exact) on Wednesday, April 17th. Typically in the past, the tests have always taken the full 2 minutes to show the result. This one, however, took what I'm guessing to be less than a minute - and BAM - a big fat "pregnant" was staring me in the face. I had to look away then look back about 3 times for it to register that there wasn't a "not" before the "pregnant"! When we first started trying, I never would've guessed that it would take 17 months to finally got a positive. Better late than never!

     Because it was so early, Brent of course was still sound asleep. I literally ran out of the bathroom and shook him awake. I said "Hey, it's positive!" to which his response was "WHAT?!" - with eyes as big as saucers. All I could do then was nod my head since I was already starting to cry. We hugged for a minute then sat in the bed, shook our heads and laughed just saying over and over that we couldn't believe it. After the initial wave of shock, Brent said he just HAD to call someone and surely someone was awake at that hour. And so began our day of breaking the news to our families & close friends! The reactions we got were priceless, and we're so glad we got to surprise everyone.

     Now, I know you guys are smart, but I'll be sure to make it clear... we did NOT have to do in-vitro!! This happened naturally. I'll never forget cancelling that appointment (especially since I prayed specifically to be able to do that) and then calling to tell my nurse that we got pregnant on our own. I'm pretty sure we're still in shock simply because we were so sure that we'd have to take the most extreme of measures in order to conceive. 

     Let me preface these next two paragraphs with this: please don't take offense. It's not geared for anyone specifically, none of it is meant to be rude or disrespectful, and it's just me getting a few things off my chest before my hormones begin raging (yay, pregnancy excuse #1!!). 
   I've already had several people say things along the lines of "I bet it happened because you stopped stressing about it!" or "I knew it'd happen if you just relaxed!". Well, I'm here to tell you that stress and relaxation had nothing to do with it. I know people mean well by saying things like that, but it's just simply not the case. There is a legitimate medical issue that has been causing the infertility... an issue that as far as we're concerned is still occurring, and an issue that in the beginning gave us a 4% chance of natural conception from a medical viewpoint. I'm sure us not stressing so much this particular month helped mildly, but it couldn't change it completely. GOD changed it! He has blessed us with a miracle exactly when we needed it, and even the word miracle seems like an understatement.
   As most of you know, I've always been a not-so touchy-feely kind of girl (except with my cute husband, obviously). I love a good hug, but other than that I enjoy my personal space. During this time I'm giving everyone this disclaimer that if they try to touch my belly, they may very well get a karate chop to the arm. On the other hand, if any of you ever hear me say "I'm eating for two", please karate chop me. See, it balances out! I'm technically only eating for 1 plus about 300 extra calories a day, and hopefully if I remind myself of that every day I won't get as big as a house ;) Maybe the more I grow, the more comfortable I'll be with people reaching out for the bump, but no promises.

     Now that my gripe-out paragraphs have been written, I kindly ask for prayer. Prayer for a safe pregnancy through and through. For a smooth delivery. And most importantly, for a healthy baby. Pray for my energy levels to rise and morning sickness to dissipate. I haven't thrown up - it's just been nausea - so I'm considering myself very lucky! I've never eaten so much toast and dry cereal in my life, but I smile when I think of why bland food is the only kind that sounds appetizing. Oddly enough, I feel full almost constantly, even though I only eat small meals throughout the day. Eating has become a chore... never thought that was possible for this girl!  It feels so weird to be typing all of this. I've been waiting a long time to do so.
   For months I've been pinning maternity photos and creative ways to track pregnancy on Pinterest and I'm so thrilled to finally be able to put them to good use! It helps to have an extremely talented photographer who doubles as a mother-in-law ;) We've been taking a week-by-week picture to track the growth of the baby. I also have a neat app on my phone that tells me all of the details each week. At 6 weeks my little one's brain had developed and his/her beating heart was the size of a poppy seed. Blows me away!
   Initially I told Brent I wanted to wait until I was 12 weeks along to make the announcement online, but we're just too excited to put it off any longer! It's been 3 weeks since we found out and it's been tearing Brent up not to post it. He's literally been counting down the days :) Today we saw Dr. Sterling for the first time since our last IUI. He came in hollering "Hercules! Hercules!". He gave Brent a high five and said "Good job! See, y'all didn't need doctors." :) It's awesome having one who's so excited for us! I am 7 weeks and two days along. We got to see the baby, and hear it's heartbeat for the very first time. I just laid there in total shock - it was so loud! Best. Sound. Ever. Due date is officially December 23rd. Can't wait to meet our little Christmas baby!
   Thank you all for your love and prayers for the past months, we've appreciated it all more than you know! Now begins the millions of pictures on your Facebook newsfeed... I'll show you where the "hide" button is if you get sick of me :) Come on December!!


~ Kirsten


                    "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."
                                                                                         --Hebrews 11:1

Onward & Upward

   Well, here I am again. I haven't written a blog post since January - surely my readers (that makes me feel legit, calling you guys "my readers") have been waiting on the edge of their seats. No? Okay, moving right along! I've had some extra time on my hands since I gave up Facebook for lent this year, which by the way, is the most challenging thing I've ever denied myself (far more difficult than nixing sweets!), but taking a break from blogging for a couple of months has been nice too. 

   Anyway, let's get down to business. I'm still not pregnant. I wish that this post was a proclamation of the alternative, but that's alright. Last month I could've sworn I was. I had "symptoms", and I'm not just talking about my usual hallucinations. Although, I'm sure there were a few of those mixed in. I just knew that it was the month. Visions of nurseries, cuddles and long nights danced in my head, but alas, no baby. 

   Strangely enough, I didn't cry this time. I didn't get angry. I simply thought "maybe next time" and went about my day. Brent asked if I was okay, gave me a kiss, and that was that. Very different from how I've handled the past 16 negatives. Of course it was still painful, but the feeling wasn't overwhelming this time around. I don't want to be overly confident, but I think some alterations may be going on in this hard little heart of mine. 

   There have been several pregnancies and births announced in the past couple of months in our group of family and friends. I think the guilt of being resentful towards them has officially caught up to me. One night Brent and I were driving to dinner and I told him "I feel like it's impossible for me to be excited for yet another person who is getting what I want." It was almost like a switch flipped as soon as those words came out of my mouth. What a selfish statement! Wouldn't I want everyone else to be happy for me? That's when I decided that I won't let my jealousy get the best of me. I think I had decided that once or twice before, but I'm for real this time!

   We've made an appointment with a fertility specialist in Oklahoma City on April 25th. Said appointment will serve as a second opinion, and I'm sure more tests will be run just in case. We basically will be asking him if he thinks doing more rounds of IUI is a waste of time and money. If so, we will be going ahead with IVF (if any of you have created a drinking game or placed bets based on how many times IUI & IVF are typed in my blogs, someone's either really drunk or really rich!). Hopefully we'll make our decision by the end of that day. Yay! I've done some research on this guy, and he has his own commercial on TV. I get tears in my eyes every time I see it. Haha! But seriously, I do. I feel like we're about to meet a celebrity or something. He's received prestigious awards and is ranked in the highest percentage for successful pregnancies via in-vitro. Pretty neat!

   My pride had a death grip on me for a while. I wouldn't accept the fact that IVF could be the only way for us to conceive. I had myself convinced that we were somehow above it. What a joke! My sister-in-law put it in a new light for me (well, it was something she had said once before, but I was still in my denial phase at that time so I didn't take it to heart like I should have - this time it sank in!). She told me she gets to hold in-vitro every day - without it, my beautiful niece wouldn't be here. She expressed how thankful she is to God for making it possible and for giving us the technology and doctors to perform such procedures. She couldn't be more right. Why should I complain about something that is giving us a better chance to have a baby? Just because it's not my storybook ending? I think I'm finally - slowly but surely - learning how to identify the positive in every situation.
   I've been asked many times if we've considered adoption. The answer is yes, but not in a "we should do that" kind of way. It's been a quick and fleeting thought. Some may think we're selfish for exhausting all avenues to conceive a child of our own, and to that I say we just have to agree to disagree. Adoption is no doubt a wonderful thing and saves childrens' lives daily, it's just not something we plan to do anytime soon. Perhaps it's in the cards in our future. I also get told quite frequently that everything has it's time, everything happens for a reason, etc. and though I do believe that, I'm ready to get this friggin' show on the road! My theory is, in-vitro may possibly be our time and our reason, (I might be reaching a little here... sue me!), and I feel that it couldn't hurt to speed up this process a bit. If you would've asked me a few months ago if IVF was something that was even the least bit thrilling for me to think about, I may or may not have given you the glare that I give my husband when he walks through the house soaking wet looking for a towel. 
   In a nutshell, regardless of whether we get pregnant naturally between now and the next month or two, or have a little test tube baby - that baby will be OURS. I can live with that! As we wait, Brent and I will continue arguing about a boys name. Maybe that just means we're meant to have a girl ;) So here's to the next chapter... and I can say honestly that I'm going into it with my spirits high and with an enthusiasm I haven't experienced in quite some time. As always, thank you for your prayers and kind thoughts!

~Kirsten

        "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

                                                              --Hebrews 11:1

Negative Nancy

   I'm still struggling with faith. Every single day, pretty much all day, it's like my mind is going back and forth between believing I'm going to be pregnant soon or giving up. Some moments I feel so sure that God's will is for me to have a baby, then a split second later I'm doubting if I'll ever be a mom. I'm also still struggling with the whole God's timing thing.

   It's agonizing and I hate it. It consumes my thoughts. How am I supposed to know the difference between optimistic and overly hopeful? I keep reading scripture after scripture about believing and standing firm in faith, and I feel my heart start to lighten, but then I tell myself "well, you've believed each month for the past 14 months that this will be the month, and it hasn't happened" and all of my faith goes down the drain.

   I feel like a terrible example of how a Christian should be. I feel like I'm letting God down by doubting His will and questioning if He'll ever give me my heart's desire.

   I had IUI procedure #3 this past Friday, and things looked much better than they did at the time of round #2. I was encouraged and more confident, but I still worry. I still doubt. I still tell myself that it probably won't work. Anytime anyone even hints that I may be pregnant this time I spit out "Yeah right!" or something along those lines. It's like I'm preparing myself for disappointment. I can't stand feeling this way! The doctors say that the trick to fertility treatments is for them to control the variables as much as possible to set the body up for conception. That doesn't put me at ease in the slightest.

   A very good friend of mine announced her pregnancy this week and as soon as I heard the news I burst into tears. Most of them were happy because she is one of the kindest and most beautiful people (inside & out!) that I've ever met and she deserves nothing but the best, but some of them were tears of sadness, anger and resentment. When I finished my pity-party I felt so guilty for the feelings I experienced. I felt like a big fat jerk.

   I need prayers that God will put my heart at peace, and to help me to believe that good things can and WILL happen to me. I'm just so ready to be done with this time in my life, it is completely wearing me down and every day is harder to be optimistic.

   There's a book I've read a few times that was recommended to me and it's called "Supernatural Childbirth". It's message is basically to encourage you that conception and healthy pregnancies are God's plan and the ultimate gift to His children. Towards the end it has this prayer for the woman and/or her husband to pray while they're trying to conceive. 

"Father, we thank You that children are the heritage 

of the Lord, and the fruit of the womb is His reward. 
Children are Your idea Father; You thought up 
children, and family and home. You instituted the 
family in the Garden of Eden. You ordered children; 
You commanded them when You said to Adam and Eve, 'Be 
fruitful and multiply.' You said that the barren womb 
is never satisfied. Lord, the Word declares that I am 
wonderfully and fearfully made by You; therefore, I'm 
perfect and able to conceive and have children. You 
said that I/(my wife) would be a fruitful vine by the 
side of our house and our children like olive plants 
around our table. We are not ashamed but happy 
because our quiver is full of children (or arrows, as 
You call them). 
 
"Thank you, Father, that You designed and fashioned 
me/her, to have children, that in the Bible barrenness 
was the exception, not the rule, not Your will, not 
normal, something against Your plan and purpose. And 
in Your goodness and faithfulness, every barren woman 
in the Bible who was godly and believed Your Word 
became pregnant; You opened her womb and blessed her, 
and she gave birth to a precious baby just as I/she 
will. You make the barren woman to keep house and to 
be a joyful mother of children. 
 
"You said, Father, that because You are our God and we 
are Your people and have a covenant with You, that You 
will love us and bless us and multiply us and bless 
the fruit of my/her womb and that neither male nor 
female among Your people would be barren. 
 
"Father, we are redeemed from the curse of the Law by 
Jesus and being barren is under the curse of the Law; 
therefore, we will receive from Your grace and have 
children. 

"Father, no plague, no evil shall come nigh our 
dwelling. We are healed by the stripes of Jesus. 
Sickness of any kind is taken out of our midst. You 
said to ask anything of You in Jesus' name and it 
would be done; and that if two of us on earth agree as 
touching anything it would be done. So we pray and we 
agree with You and Your Word, Father, that we will 
conceive and bring forth a healthy, precious baby to 
Your glory and honor. We pray all this according to 
Your Word and will. You said, This is the confidence 
that we have in You, that if we ask anything according 
to Your will, You hear us; and if You hear us, we know 
we have the petition we desire of You. We have it 
now. Thank You, Father, in Jesus' name." 

   I admit that the first few times I read it I couldn't bring myself to verbalize it. I was a little put off by it just because it felt so unnatural to me to view pregnancy that way after struggling with infertility, but now I've accepted that it truly is one of God's greatest gifts, and He wants it for us just as much as we want it for ourselves. I now read it out loud almost every night before bed. Obviously it hasn't completely changed my belief pattern but I know that by reading those words over and over, it's helping.

   I really hope that God is choosing for round #3 to be the one. I hope that we won't have to resort to in-vitro. I know that HE controls the variables and I just hope and pray that He makes everything work exactly the way it needs to in order for me to conceive this time. As always, I'll  keep y'all updated. Thanks for reading my rants ;)

~Kirsten

      "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

                                                    --Hebrews 11:1

If We Knew

   We've all heard the phrase "If I knew then what I know now...". I said that the other day and began to think about a few years back, before Brent & I said "I do". 

   We were engaged, and per request from Brent's parents and my mom, we started pre-marital counseling several months before our wedding. Our counselors were a married  couple named Zach & Leslie - two very awesome people! They asked us about our families, our first loves, then about our relationship. Everything was smooth sailing until they asked us what our stance was on having children.

   I'll go back to about a year before we got engaged. Brent and I had discussed kids, and for me it was always a when, but for him it was an if. I didn't think too much about it - we were young and hadn't talked a whole lot about marriage yet, much less children. I figured that we'd cross that bridge when we got to it - counseling proved to be the bridge.

   When Zach & Leslie asked us what our thoughts were on the issue, I immediately said "Oh yeah, we definitely want kids!". Brent looked at me then looked at them, and said "Well, I'm not sure if I want any." I started to freak out inside and I was wondering if we were making a big mistake. How had we managed to sweep the topic under the rug and not talk in-depth about it?! Not to mention I had been obsessively planning this wedding every day since the proposal, cancelling it would be a nightmare!

   I almost started to cry, but before I could, we were assigned some homework. We were to separately make a pros & cons list about having children. We weren't allowed to show each other our list until it was completed.

    Leslie made a great point by saying that no marriage should be started without clear intentions, and that if one of us wanted kids and the other didn't, there'd be nothing but resentment down the road. On the way home from that session, I basically told Brent that he better figure out if he wanted kids or not - because if not, I wouldn't be walking down the aisle. He was surprised that I said it, and I think it hurt his feelings a little bit, but I just couldn't go into a marriage with something so important hanging in the balance.

   I had spoken to my almost mother-in-law about it, and she assured me that Brent is very much a one-big-thing-at-a-time kind of guy. She said she had a feeling that due to the wedding being so close, the thought of kids of top of such a big-time life decision was probably causing him some anxiety.

   Later that week, we finished our lists and we started to compare them. We each had 5 pros & 5 cons, and as we went over them we realized that a lot of them were very similar to each others'. That brought me a little bit of comfort. The cons were pretty typical fears of any future parent... financial responsibility, loss of certain freedoms, lack of sleep, etc. Two of Brent's pro's were "Coaching their sports" and "Having a son to carry on the family name". Pretty sure I melted a little bit because I could see him being such a great dad.

   After we got done talking about the lists, we continued to discuss the subject and Brent basically said that he didn't NOT want to have kids, but that he didn't want to have them for quite some time after the wedding. I told him I was fine with that, and we agreed that after 3 years or so I would get off the pill and we would begin to "try". 

   It felt great having a plan! But, how silly of us to think we could plan it out ourselves.

   Clearly, we got married, and it was the happiest day of my life so far. A lot of the wedding is a bit of a blur to me now (thank God for pictures and video!), but I remember walking down the aisle with my older brother towards Brent, and I saw a look in his eyes I had never seen before - it made me feel like the only girl in the world. 

   Not even a year later, Brent was bringing up having a baby almost on a daily basis. It made my heart burst with joy and I couldn't wait! The day I took my last pill, I wanted to tell everyone I knew - but of course we kept it a secret so we could surprise everyone with our pregnancy news. 

   We sat on our counselors' couch 3 and a half years ago, semi-arguing about having a baby. Now we're desperate for one. We had no idea that soon we'd be dealing with the pain and heartache of that yet to be met desire.

   We had two baby dedications at church this morning, and I kept picturing Brent & I standing up there with our little Plum. I anticipate days like that so much!

   Here we are, about to start IUI #3 - the final attempt of that procedure. I'm having feelings of excitement and dread at the same time. I feel sick thinking of the waiting game, and the phone call from the nurse. I'm becoming mentally exhausted from the highs and lows, but I keep telling myself it'll all be worth it. There's a song by Tenth Avenue North called "Worn", and it couldn't be more perfect for the way I've felt lately. The first part says: 

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes 
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed 
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart 
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise 
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

   If you're having a hard time with anything, I strongly encourage you to look it up and listen to it, it's pretty powerful! 

   To everyone who has loved us, supported us and prayed constantly for us: THANK YOU. There's nothing like knowing we're completely surrounded with prayer and positivity. I'm excited for 2013!

~Kirsten

       "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

                                                         --Hebrews 11:1