Onward & Upward

   Well, here I am again. I haven't written a blog post since January - surely my readers (that makes me feel legit, calling you guys "my readers") have been waiting on the edge of their seats. No? Okay, moving right along! I've had some extra time on my hands since I gave up Facebook for lent this year, which by the way, is the most challenging thing I've ever denied myself (far more difficult than nixing sweets!), but taking a break from blogging for a couple of months has been nice too. 

   Anyway, let's get down to business. I'm still not pregnant. I wish that this post was a proclamation of the alternative, but that's alright. Last month I could've sworn I was. I had "symptoms", and I'm not just talking about my usual hallucinations. Although, I'm sure there were a few of those mixed in. I just knew that it was the month. Visions of nurseries, cuddles and long nights danced in my head, but alas, no baby. 

   Strangely enough, I didn't cry this time. I didn't get angry. I simply thought "maybe next time" and went about my day. Brent asked if I was okay, gave me a kiss, and that was that. Very different from how I've handled the past 16 negatives. Of course it was still painful, but the feeling wasn't overwhelming this time around. I don't want to be overly confident, but I think some alterations may be going on in this hard little heart of mine. 

   There have been several pregnancies and births announced in the past couple of months in our group of family and friends. I think the guilt of being resentful towards them has officially caught up to me. One night Brent and I were driving to dinner and I told him "I feel like it's impossible for me to be excited for yet another person who is getting what I want." It was almost like a switch flipped as soon as those words came out of my mouth. What a selfish statement! Wouldn't I want everyone else to be happy for me? That's when I decided that I won't let my jealousy get the best of me. I think I had decided that once or twice before, but I'm for real this time!

   We've made an appointment with a fertility specialist in Oklahoma City on April 25th. Said appointment will serve as a second opinion, and I'm sure more tests will be run just in case. We basically will be asking him if he thinks doing more rounds of IUI is a waste of time and money. If so, we will be going ahead with IVF (if any of you have created a drinking game or placed bets based on how many times IUI & IVF are typed in my blogs, someone's either really drunk or really rich!). Hopefully we'll make our decision by the end of that day. Yay! I've done some research on this guy, and he has his own commercial on TV. I get tears in my eyes every time I see it. Haha! But seriously, I do. I feel like we're about to meet a celebrity or something. He's received prestigious awards and is ranked in the highest percentage for successful pregnancies via in-vitro. Pretty neat!

   My pride had a death grip on me for a while. I wouldn't accept the fact that IVF could be the only way for us to conceive. I had myself convinced that we were somehow above it. What a joke! My sister-in-law put it in a new light for me (well, it was something she had said once before, but I was still in my denial phase at that time so I didn't take it to heart like I should have - this time it sank in!). She told me she gets to hold in-vitro every day - without it, my beautiful niece wouldn't be here. She expressed how thankful she is to God for making it possible and for giving us the technology and doctors to perform such procedures. She couldn't be more right. Why should I complain about something that is giving us a better chance to have a baby? Just because it's not my storybook ending? I think I'm finally - slowly but surely - learning how to identify the positive in every situation.
   I've been asked many times if we've considered adoption. The answer is yes, but not in a "we should do that" kind of way. It's been a quick and fleeting thought. Some may think we're selfish for exhausting all avenues to conceive a child of our own, and to that I say we just have to agree to disagree. Adoption is no doubt a wonderful thing and saves childrens' lives daily, it's just not something we plan to do anytime soon. Perhaps it's in the cards in our future. I also get told quite frequently that everything has it's time, everything happens for a reason, etc. and though I do believe that, I'm ready to get this friggin' show on the road! My theory is, in-vitro may possibly be our time and our reason, (I might be reaching a little here... sue me!), and I feel that it couldn't hurt to speed up this process a bit. If you would've asked me a few months ago if IVF was something that was even the least bit thrilling for me to think about, I may or may not have given you the glare that I give my husband when he walks through the house soaking wet looking for a towel. 
   In a nutshell, regardless of whether we get pregnant naturally between now and the next month or two, or have a little test tube baby - that baby will be OURS. I can live with that! As we wait, Brent and I will continue arguing about a boys name. Maybe that just means we're meant to have a girl ;) So here's to the next chapter... and I can say honestly that I'm going into it with my spirits high and with an enthusiasm I haven't experienced in quite some time. As always, thank you for your prayers and kind thoughts!

~Kirsten

        "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

                                                              --Hebrews 11:1