If We Knew

   We've all heard the phrase "If I knew then what I know now...". I said that the other day and began to think about a few years back, before Brent & I said "I do". 

   We were engaged, and per request from Brent's parents and my mom, we started pre-marital counseling several months before our wedding. Our counselors were a married  couple named Zach & Leslie - two very awesome people! They asked us about our families, our first loves, then about our relationship. Everything was smooth sailing until they asked us what our stance was on having children.

   I'll go back to about a year before we got engaged. Brent and I had discussed kids, and for me it was always a when, but for him it was an if. I didn't think too much about it - we were young and hadn't talked a whole lot about marriage yet, much less children. I figured that we'd cross that bridge when we got to it - counseling proved to be the bridge.

   When Zach & Leslie asked us what our thoughts were on the issue, I immediately said "Oh yeah, we definitely want kids!". Brent looked at me then looked at them, and said "Well, I'm not sure if I want any." I started to freak out inside and I was wondering if we were making a big mistake. How had we managed to sweep the topic under the rug and not talk in-depth about it?! Not to mention I had been obsessively planning this wedding every day since the proposal, cancelling it would be a nightmare!

   I almost started to cry, but before I could, we were assigned some homework. We were to separately make a pros & cons list about having children. We weren't allowed to show each other our list until it was completed.

    Leslie made a great point by saying that no marriage should be started without clear intentions, and that if one of us wanted kids and the other didn't, there'd be nothing but resentment down the road. On the way home from that session, I basically told Brent that he better figure out if he wanted kids or not - because if not, I wouldn't be walking down the aisle. He was surprised that I said it, and I think it hurt his feelings a little bit, but I just couldn't go into a marriage with something so important hanging in the balance.

   I had spoken to my almost mother-in-law about it, and she assured me that Brent is very much a one-big-thing-at-a-time kind of guy. She said she had a feeling that due to the wedding being so close, the thought of kids of top of such a big-time life decision was probably causing him some anxiety.

   Later that week, we finished our lists and we started to compare them. We each had 5 pros & 5 cons, and as we went over them we realized that a lot of them were very similar to each others'. That brought me a little bit of comfort. The cons were pretty typical fears of any future parent... financial responsibility, loss of certain freedoms, lack of sleep, etc. Two of Brent's pro's were "Coaching their sports" and "Having a son to carry on the family name". Pretty sure I melted a little bit because I could see him being such a great dad.

   After we got done talking about the lists, we continued to discuss the subject and Brent basically said that he didn't NOT want to have kids, but that he didn't want to have them for quite some time after the wedding. I told him I was fine with that, and we agreed that after 3 years or so I would get off the pill and we would begin to "try". 

   It felt great having a plan! But, how silly of us to think we could plan it out ourselves.

   Clearly, we got married, and it was the happiest day of my life so far. A lot of the wedding is a bit of a blur to me now (thank God for pictures and video!), but I remember walking down the aisle with my older brother towards Brent, and I saw a look in his eyes I had never seen before - it made me feel like the only girl in the world. 

   Not even a year later, Brent was bringing up having a baby almost on a daily basis. It made my heart burst with joy and I couldn't wait! The day I took my last pill, I wanted to tell everyone I knew - but of course we kept it a secret so we could surprise everyone with our pregnancy news. 

   We sat on our counselors' couch 3 and a half years ago, semi-arguing about having a baby. Now we're desperate for one. We had no idea that soon we'd be dealing with the pain and heartache of that yet to be met desire.

   We had two baby dedications at church this morning, and I kept picturing Brent & I standing up there with our little Plum. I anticipate days like that so much!

   Here we are, about to start IUI #3 - the final attempt of that procedure. I'm having feelings of excitement and dread at the same time. I feel sick thinking of the waiting game, and the phone call from the nurse. I'm becoming mentally exhausted from the highs and lows, but I keep telling myself it'll all be worth it. There's a song by Tenth Avenue North called "Worn", and it couldn't be more perfect for the way I've felt lately. The first part says: 

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes 
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed 
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart 
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise 
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

   If you're having a hard time with anything, I strongly encourage you to look it up and listen to it, it's pretty powerful! 

   To everyone who has loved us, supported us and prayed constantly for us: THANK YOU. There's nothing like knowing we're completely surrounded with prayer and positivity. I'm excited for 2013!

~Kirsten

       "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

                                                         --Hebrews 11:1