The Digital Age

   Two weeks. Fourteen days. One hundred and sixty-eight hours. Ten thousand and eighty minutes. You get the point. This period of time is how long I'm supposed to wait to know if I'm pregnant or not, and let me tell you, it's brutal. So brutal in fact, that I couldn't bear to wait quite that long because I felt that if I waited five more minutes I'd officially lose my mind.

   A million questions, worries, and thoughts have gone through my mind during this waiting period. Every single feeling or pain is automatically thrown into the "symptom" category. You're probably thinking that I wouldn't know a symptom if I've never been pregnant, and you're so right. I have no clue what to expect or feel. It doesn't help that a lot of pregnancy symptoms are also things that happen when you're about to receive your monthly gift. That's just not right! It's agonizing really.

   After a procedure like IUI, the doctors & nurses advise you not to take an at home pregnancy test and just to wait for the blood test to know for sure. Due to the trigger shot having a high level of HCG, an at home test can give a false positive and get your hopes up. I did some more Googling, which I swore I wouldn't do, and read that the HCG from the shot usually leaves the system in 9-12 days. I told Brent I wanted to take one early so I could see a positive pop up, even if it was a false one. Twisted, huh?

   Anyway, against the suggestion of a professional, I caved early Friday morning and took a test. Friday was 11 days after the trigger shot and 9 days after the IUI (they advise you to not test at all until 12-14 days after the procedure, but I guess I'm a rebel like that). I always buy the Clear Blue Digital tests because they give you a straight up "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant". I don't mess around with the ones with the lines or plus/minus signs, that just makes for too much guessing and my neurosis can't handle it! I did my thing and set the test on the bathroom counter. My heart instantly started to race as I watched the hourglass flash for two loooong minutes. 

   Not Pregnant. 

   Seriously?! How can that be? I was SURE that the IUI had worked and that there was a baby in there. Immediately my heart dropped to my feet. I didn't cry. Actually, I couldn't cry for some reason. I took a few deep breaths and got back into bed, only to lay there staring at the ceiling for an hour. Brent kissed me and told me it will be okay and that we'll try again. He told me to remain faithful. 

   Out of the 12 months that we've been trying, I've taken 9 tests. I know you all are smart, but I'll help out for a dramatic effect... that's nine "Not Pregnant"'s. It doesn't get any easier. It's hard to stay faithful when you keep getting a blatant NO! I convince myself every month that if I'm not pregnant again, I'll be okay and I won't lose hope. But like I told a friend of mine, the negative result can really put a damper on my optimistic attitude. I'm glad God doesn't turn His back on me when I start losing sight of His promises.

   A couple of hours after the test, I was going over different scenarios in my head. I kept thinking "Maybe I tested too early.", "Maybe I'm not producing enough HCG right now to show up on the test.", etc. I was back to imagining the day when I get a big fat "Pregnant" result. Clearly my hope wasn't completely gone, its feelings were just hurt.

   I wonder every day how well I'm balancing the fine line between hope and realism. It's difficult to go back and forth with that all the time. I'm typically the kind of girl who goes by statistics and I tend to stress over the percentages of success or failure when it comes to fertility treatments. Then I remember that my God isn't a God of statistics. He's a God of miracles. He proves statistics wrong on a daily basis. Some may see my hope as being unrealistic, and sometimes even I see it as that, but it's better than being hopeless.
   I don't want to portray myself as a woman of unwavering faith because I'm not even close. I get so bummed out. I get down in the dumps and come down with a bad case of the "I'm never going to have a baby!"'s. I get jealous of pregnant women. I ask God why I'm having to wait when there are junkies and alcoholics getting pregnant without trying, or mothers who put their babies in dumpsters. I know it's not my place to say who should be a parent and who shouldn't, it's just one of life's mysteries to me I guess. However, I know that I can't dwell on those thoughts and feelings for too long. Worrying and being pessimistic won't get me anywhere.
   My blood test was this morning at 8am. The nurse wrote my information on the vial and said I'd get a call in about 3 hours. When I got home from the doctors office, I sat there and pictured the look on Brent's face when I revealed to him that we're having a baby. I imagined the priceless reactions of our families and friends. It would no doubt be the happiest day of my life, until of course that precious baby makes his/her arrival. Not like I was counting or anything, but it actually turned out to be 5 hours and 10 minutes before I'd get the news. 5 hours and 10 minutes of sheer torture. The entire time, my heart felt like it was made of dynamite and that it would explode at any second. Anxiety is a terrible thing.
   Unfortunately, the at home test was correct. I'm not pregnant. When I got on the phone with the nurse, she was hesitant so I knew the answer before she even gave it to me. I had to give the news to Brent over the phone, and the sadness in his voice broke my heart. I kept it together at work by hardly talking to anyone (sorry, guys). Remember how I said I didn't cry on Friday morning? Yeah, well I made up for it this evening. As soon as I got in my car to head home, the floodgates burst open. I got to crying so hard that I had to give myself a minute and let the tears dry up a bit before continuing to drive. Over and over in my mind were the questions "How could it not work?", "How is it that I'm still not pregnant?". Sometimes I wish so much that God's timing would coincide with mine. 

   Keep praying, friends. Especially now. Pray for healing from the emotional toll this process is taking on me and Brent. I'm feeling discouraged and disappointed and I know he's feeling the same way. I want to kick and scream like a spoiled brat and give God the whole "life isn't fair" speech. The icing on the big fat slice of cake that is today? Reading an article that 4 girls have earned the "coveted spots" to star in MTV's 3rd season of Teen Mom. Yay.
   Tonight I will stay on this couch and pout. I'll snuggle with the dogs and wish this sob-induced headache away. I'll cry a good portion of the rest of my tears as I watch Parenthood. Two birds, one stone I suppose. My good friend told me today "It sucks. But it's okay to be upset!". So that's what I'm going to do. I'll pick myself back up tomorrow morning and get ready to start this stuff all over again.
   Please continue to stand in agreement with us and believe that our desire to have a child will soon be granted. The wait is killing me.


~Kirsten

       

         "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

                                                       -- Hebrews 11:1