Fat & Pregnant

   Since the day I heard the final "click" of my trusty Ortho Tri-Cyclen pack and swallowed my last tiny blue pill, I've noticed every pregnant woman and every. single. baby. within a 50 foot radius. They're everywhere! At first I was excited. Then a few months went by and I was getting impatient. After 10 months had come and gone I started feeling resentful. How terrible is that? I really despise that feeling, especially when it's towards people who don't deserve an ounce of it. 

   I put on a happy face every time someone I know gets pregnant. I am truly thrilled for them, a baby is one of the best things in the world. I'd say bittersweet is a good term... it's bittersweet when I see ladies with their beautiful round bellies or carrying their newborns. I know their pregnancies/babies are bringing them joy and that's so great, I just can't help but wonder "when will that be me??". Baby showers have provoked feelings in me that I'm embarrassed of. Who knew baby socks and diapers could send you into a tailspin?!

   A lot of women complain about being "fat & pregnant", or that they're miserable and can't wait for their pregnancy to be done. Granted, I'm sure it's not rainbows and roses to feel like you're 300 pounds and to be physically unable to paint your own toenails or tie your shoes, but it's a bit of a kick in the gut for a girl who WANTS to feel like she's 300 pounds and be unable to paint her own toenails or tie her shoes. Why would I want to feel that way you ask? Because that means there's a BABY coming! I honestly cannot wait to be huge, to show my bump proudly (under a cute maternity shirt anyway... sorry Mia, no bare belly pictures) and smile every single time I look at it. I am going on the record by saying I will try my hardest to not eat everything in sight, if nothing else except that my husband weighs 155 soaking wet and I'm not too far from there when I'm NOT pregnant ;)

   I don't want this post to seem like a woe-is-me rant or that I'm dogging on women who are expecting. I promise that's not what I'm trying to do. I'm simply taking advantage of the venting outlet this blog provides me and writing out what goes through my head every time I'm reminded that I'm not carrying a child. I don't wish infertility on my worst enemy! No one should have to suffer with their thoughts being consumed by it. Satan is a professional at eating away at me when I'm vulnerable and there are times when it's too late before I realize that's what's being done - but, every single day my faith gets stronger and I've made a habit of praying right then and there when I feel an attack coming on. He will NOT have control.

   I've dubbed "Whom Shall I Fear" by Chris Tomlin as my theme song ("All Things Possible" by Mark Schultz and "Promises" by Sanctus Real also hit close to home!) for this time in my life. If you haven't heard it, you're missing out! I listen to it every day on my way to and from work. There's a line in the song that says "I'm holding on to Your promises, You are faithful..." Such a simple lyric, but SO powerful! Gives me chills every time, because I believe it with all of my heart. My sister in law has a paper on the wall in her old bedroom at my in-laws house that says "God's delays are not denials", and even though it's hard to wait when I want to be pregnant so desperately, I'll continue to trust His promises.

   Sorry about all of the fully capitalized words, I don't know what's gotten into me! On a brighter note - I know that because of the harder-than-we-thought journey we're on, Brent and I will see our children as even more of a miracle and blessing. We are confident that God will give us a baby and when I start to have feelings of resentment or disappointment, I remind myself that soon - hopefully very soon - I will be holding our little one. I'll look at my kid(s) every day and thank God for them, even when they're puking on me or writing on my walls with a Sharpie. Brent and I are already discussing which room will be the baby's room, and yes, I have chosen what colors of paint and furniture we'll put in the Pinterest perfect nursery. It's pretty stinking sweet to hear the husband talk about baby monitors and sleepless nights. *sigh*
   I'm feeling positive and optimistic about this IUI process! I've gotten myself into the mindset to think not "if', but "when". Thanks for reading through my whining and thank you for praying for us. We've got the best moral support we could ask for. We are so blessed and can't wait to be blessed even more!

~ Kirsten

        "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."
                                                                  --Hebrews 11:1